My Complicated Life in Provo

Change of Course

2011-11-06T14:16:00.000-08:00

I had planned to gently walk away from the church. Move away from Provo, to Salt Lake or elsewhere, sell my house, and say goodbye to a lot of friends here in a gentle way. Sort of a move to be free of the repressive beliefs of the LDS Church regarding the my Homosexuality. I didn't want to make a big scene, get excommunicated, etc. I figured if they ever called me in for a church disciplinary council I'd just send a letter asking for my name to be removed from the records of the church.

But I had to give that strategy serious reconsideration this weekend. I attended the "Circle your Wagons" conference in Salt Lake City, which was for those of us who are "gay" mormons (other descriptions included too). Spiritually "uplifting" and sort of redemptive too. To see all these other men and women who are your peers, who care as much as you do. Many of them there with boyfriends or other loved ones. We were blessed by listening to speakers like Lee Beckstead, Jimmy Creech, and Carol Lynn Pearson. Wonderful talks, which actually inspired me to not pull the silent exodus. Though I don't share all the beliefs of the LDS church anymore, there is still beauty there, and still people I care about, including those who are yet to come, meaning those that are going to have to walk the same journey as me.

I almost feel like I owe it to myself, and to them, to be the thorn in the side of the status quo. And that is something I am very skilled at. Trust me :)

Ever felt like this?

I have no identified myself clearly on this blog. Hi everyone--now you know my name, and what my family looks like (one step-daughter's boyfriend added in pic)

Waves of Hope followed by Crashing Surf

2011-10-04T08:30:00.000-07:00

The title is intentional. It's this sentiment that I have been going through in the world of dating. In the past month, I've met two great guys online, via facebook or other, and begun a conversation. We get to know each other, enjoy it, and then it turns into phone calls, followed by meeting them, and going on an actual date. Each step in this is the "building" of the wave. You look at their picture after they contact you to see if there is any attraction, then you kind of go through the "checkpoints" of life in learning about them. Then you hear their voice, then you actually get to see their face and spend time with them. Both times, I kept feeling the wave building. You get excited, you love spending time texting them, you can't wait to hear from them. I should label this the danger zone. It literally consumes your life. In both cases, this went on.

Then, for some reason or other, the waves crash into the rocks. Hope is dashed, and something replaces it, whether that be longing, or anger, or temporary depression. When it isn't your choice, the ego is bruised. Sometimes, its harsh. Sometimes, its more gentle. You keep wondering what you did wrong and what was wrong with you. You may or may not ever get answers.

You want to be angry with them, but you just can't, because you know that in another chapter of the story, you did the same thing to someone else.

Then, after a few days of this (or more), hope springs up again, and the interest in finding someone starts again.

Could someone invent a no-pain version of this process?

Submit to infliction, or have some joy?

2011-07-31T09:29:00.000-07:00

Latter Day Saints believe in a book with some semi-conflicting doctrines in it. The Book of Mormon talks about being willing to submit to all things that God wants to "inflict" upon us, yet also talks about the purpose of life being joy. Sometimes, I really wonder how these two can possibly work together in some cases.

I went to church--always good at getting the mind working, and was blessed with the privilege of listening to a newlywed couple give talks about humility and submitting..... The wife talked about how she has had a horrible outbreak of hives, and her husband giving her a blessing explaining that this was preparing her for something else. In other words, something worse. She felt completely comforted. She talks, and explained that Its all just black and white. I kind of laughed, or cringed inside.

The husband cited scripture about submitting, being willing to always follow, etc. He sounded like what he was, a 23 year old returned missionary byu engineering student who was recently married.

On the walk home, my mind thinks about these things--So--God just "inflicted" homosexuality upon me. He just inflicts all my troubles on me. Then as I walked in the door, I think about the stated purpose of life--that we might have joy, and my mind realizes the conflict. God made around 5% of us (maybe more) that evidently, according to doctrinal view, are supposed to be "inflicted up" and just roll over and play dead. The problem being that experiencing joy in this life has so much to do with the people around us, and our connection to them.

I don't want to live a life disconnected from others. I don't want to be intimacy free the rest of my life. I don't want to never have a special someone to share my life with again. Doctrinal view says thats just pride. But I know deep in my heart that its just that craving for joy, which to me, must involve connection to others.

Last night was fun. I was out with several friends. First at a monthly potluck party surrounded by others like me, then out dancing. One of my friends spoke about how connected he felt to others since coming out. Its true. I've never had so many close friends since my days in college. I can't completely reconclile the conflict, and probably never will. My eyes have been opened to more than ever before. I see life differently. I care just as much about other people as I ever did. I'm much less judgemental, and generally more comfortable with my self.

Perhaps the resolution lies in being willing to truly submit to homosexuality, and to embrace it. Enjoy all life is offering me and accept the joy that comes with it. I'm sure the views of others in this Moho blogging community will range a great deal on this from black and white to a life filled with color.

I know, "where have you been?"

2011-07-17T16:53:00.001-07:00

I'm pretty negligent when it comes to writing lately. It seems I just don't have the "drive" to express myself on "blog" all that often. Well, I'm still alive, for those few of you who actually read this. Busy raising my two sons, enjoying them for the summer. I've been in Washington State, Alaska, New York, Wyoming, Nebraska, Iowa, Idaho and Utah of course during the past 6 weeks. Just too much traveling. I enjoyed most of it, but felt kind of overwhelmed with it.

Life has been stressful. I am reaping the rewards of having neglected my business for 3 years, meaning, of course not enough income. It frustrates me, and frankly, makes me feel guilty. The drive/desire to be the good provider runs deep within me, and I sure haven't felt that way lately.

I'm not really dating anyone, since I don't have time. Last night was the first time I'd been out to see my friends in a long time. It was good for me, frankly. I've had some interesting experiences this past month. Perhaps among them, the one I enjoyed the most from a spiritual perspective was going to a meeting in Provo sponsored by a group of people that consists of people who have gay children/relatives, or of those of us in the "family." It was really amazing to hear a now retired BYU professor speak about his experiences in dealing with his gay son, and with the university's built in aversion to all things homosexual. You see, the professor taught education classes on dealing with diversity---that was his job. But regularly, he'd get all sorts of anonymous complaints from True blue mormon students complaining that he dared to mention homosexuality in class. It was spiritual, heart felt and left me feeling better. Many of his conclusions are similar to my own.

He believes, as do I, that God reaches far beyond religion, and religion is just his tool. Our spirituality and the growth of who we are as people cannot be limited.

I hope all of you are doing well, and life is treating you well. Mine is good in most respects, and will get better in those that have "lacked."

Excluding yourself from Happiness

2011-06-05T19:02:00.000-07:00

You might find my title strange, and perhaps you'll find the content even stranger. Throughout the years of my exposure and membership in the LDS Church, I've noticed this phenomenon. It is something that isn't unique perhaps to the Church, though.

It works like this; A 30 year old woman with 3 kids joins the church. Her husband doesn't. She attends church, learns, and hears a great deal about eternal marriage, and how if you want eternal marriage, then your husband needs to join the church, and you all can be sealed in the temple. Home teachers reinforce this, missionaries show up pushing for access to the husband. She gives up the occasional social drink, smoking, and her morning coffee, he doesn't. It frustrates her, and she doesn't know how to handle it. He prefers their "old" church, and feels like she's changing the game rules. It drives a wedge into their relationship. She can't handle it after awhile, and goes inactive. But the missionaries don't give up, and a persistent hometeacher keep at her, and a few years later, she gradually returns to the church. Her children become more "mormon-like" which bothers her husband. He can't understand the 3 hours of church, and all the meetings, and is resentful about her paying tithing. She tries harder, more faithful, goes to the temple, kids serve missions, then they get divorced.

You could tear apart the "why" for ages, but what I see in the process is a person who in their desires to "solve" the "being yoked unequally" pushed her husband away emotionally, and a husband who couldn't accept the satisfaction his wife's spirituality provided her to the point where he let it build a wedge.

Ever heard of compromise? Ever heard of trying to deal with the hand you were dealt, instead of endlessly longing for something you don't have. If a person, (your partner, or your spouse, or your boyfriend) brings you happiness, why push endlessly for them to change themselves to suit you.

The woman I'm writing about is my mother, who I love dearly. The marriage I'm describing is marriage number one. There was a marriage number two, to a guy who was a member of the church, etc, etc, and treated everyone in the family like crap. Marriage number three was different. She married a catholic, and chose not to worry. She even attended classes at his church so they could be married in his church. Every other week they went to his church, then her church. In other words, they let love lead the way for them. She cherished what he had, not what she might have wished for him to be.

We are good at excluding ourselves from happiness. Unflinching opinions that can't be "compromised." Mormons who are so uncomfortable with others when those others don't share their religious beliefs that they quickly start seeking to convert them. On, and on, it goes. From many angles, and many directions.

So here's my moral of the story--cherish the happiness you do have, and stop thinking people have to change to accommodate you or your particular views.

Surprise, Surprise

2011-05-07T07:34:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was a gorgeous Friday in Spring. Warm temperatures, and sunny skies after a long cold winter. It must have brought out the best in people. Love was evidently in the air. For those who might not now, I live in one of the most conservative cities in America (though there are worse). I say city, but its more of an endless suburban metro area of 500,000 people that live in a big county south of Salt Lake City. Lots and lots of Mormons, who have a difficult time with gay relationships, gay marriage, etc.

Yesterday I was walking through the mall at about 1pm, wandering from the food court over to Banana Republic to see if I could find a shirt I liked. On my way, what do I see--but a couple of guys walking towards me holding hands. Very obviously a gay couple. They literally were giving off a vibe of "go to hell--I love this guy, and I'll do what I want." That was unique enough, but then after leaving the mall, I'm driving down the road, and what do I see but a couple of gals on the sidewalk holding hands.

Love in the air?

He's at it again...

2011-04-04T18:36:00.001-07:00

Guess who? Yes, you are right. Elder Boyd K. Packer of the LDS Church is doing his very best to reinforce his extremely conservative, semi-combative views of the LDS church's doctrine. Here is the latest: "In another revelation, the Lord’s standard of morality command that the sacred powers to beget life be protected are to be employed only between man and woman, husband and wife. To misuse this power is exceeded in seriousness only by the shedding of innocent blood and the denial of the holy ghost.” - President Packer So, lets just think about that. It comes, as my faulty memory tells me, from Alma's correspondence in the Book of Mormon to his naughty missionary son who was busy playing with a hooker instead of doing his work. Elder Packer makes a really broad statement. It means that pretty much the vast majority of people I know have committed a sin next to murder during their lives, including both my parents, most of my relatives and friends. Wow. Give me a break. There are plenty of sins that frankly are far worse. How about these: Rape Child Molestation Kidnapping Child Abduction Enslaving another human being Or how about the former Stake President who gets into a Ponzi scheme and robs an elderly woman of her life savings. While we are at it, how about Fraud? Misuse would mean pretty much anything outside of marriage. This fellow makes statements like this that frankly, even the real church doesn't buy off on. What Bishop with half a brain is going to tell a 13 year old who admits to jacking off that he has just committed the sin next to murder. Where is the reason in this?

My desire to "reboot" the computer called life

2011-04-03T21:38:00.000-07:00

Lately I've had quite the desire to "reboot" the computer called my life. I don't mean I want a new life, new set of challenges etc. What I really feel like is that I want a fresh start on career, place of residence, and to some degree--"encumbrances." Where does this come from? I think it comes from the challenges I've dealt with in the last few years. Though i love my home, and many friends and neighbors, and have usually enjoyed my career and things I have been involved in--it all comes with a price which sometimes we just don't feel like paying. Or its the thought of dealing with "paying" part of the price I haven't paid, meaning I have very little desire today to "out" myself to the broader community, clients or those I'm associated with at work. Escape, restart, or just push on. They all come with prices...

Hairspray

2011-03-06T21:24:00.000-08:00

I love the musical Hairspray. For multiple reasons, it has felt kind of defining this year for my quest at a new life which yes, includes my gayness....

I love the upbeat message, the push for integration, the love of the outcast, etc. I had never seen it until last fall when I was motivated for multiple reasons to go on a date and see it, then I took my father, then I watched it this weekend on another date. Wow....

Life's good. Never without challenges, but good. Thanks to my friends and family for their love, compassion and concern. I always have friends to call, people to text, and it sure helps.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M1chTQ58a1Q

"The Plan of Salvation is for everyone" she said today in her testimony

2011-02-06T09:47:00.000-08:00

I didn't know who she was, or anything about her. I was just a guy sitting in the back of the chapel on a hard seat writing a letter to my father. I wasn't listening carefully, and confess I seldom do. But she said something that struck me---"The plan of salvation is for everyone." Nothing I hadn't heard before, but it struck me, and the next thought that went through my mind was, "as long as you aren't gay."

Of course, I don't really believe that, but her beautiful, simplistic statement is what we all want to believe. It is kind, open, accepting and speaks to the most beautiful things in the gospel. It reminds me of some words i love from Mosiah, in the Book of Mormon:

8And it came to pass that he said unto them: Behold, here are the waters of Mormon (for thus were they called) and now, as ye are desirous to come into the fold of God, and to be called his people, and are willing to bear one another’s burdens, that they may be light;
9Yea, and are willing to mourn with those that mourn; yea, and comfort those that stand in need of comfort, and to stand as witnesses of God at all times and in all things, and in all places that ye may be in, even until death, that ye may be redeemed of God, and be numbered with those of the first resurrection, that ye may have eternal life—

These words to me represent real christianity, and the real gospel. They represent our desire to be better people and give of ourselves to others. Might I say---if only we could just leave it at that... But the church takes it much further, adding requirements, covenants, ordinances and things to the game. And this my friends and brothers, is where things start falling apart for us. We feel legitimate and beautiful feelings and desires not for those of the opposite gender, but for others of our own gender. And in this, we are condemned to be halted at a roadblock. The road block is labeled as a commandment under the law of chastity, which of course is a requisite for "the plan of salvation." So, you put up with the roadblock for the remainder of your days, and move on to the next life, or you go around it, discovering what is on the other side.

The other side, in my perception, will be whatever you make it. What do you guys and gals think?

What I was then, what I am now

2011-02-02T20:03:00.000-08:00

I was a boy who rode his bicycle up and down the sidewalks of a small town in Iowa.

I was the boy who delivered your newspaper and shoveled your driveway

I was an Eagle Scout who built elevated planter beds in a city's park

I was the president of the national honor society in my high school, played my sax in the band and sang in the choir.

I am the father of two sons, who raised two girls who aren't my own.

I am a man who provides for his family as best I can

I am a man who cares deeply for my community and serves on the boards of two local non-profits

I am gay, and didn't choose to be that way.

What did I ever do to deserve to have some of my civil rights taken away...

Party time: If you know me, come!

2011-01-22T09:12:00.000-08:00

Having a party at my house tonight! If you know me, consider yourself invited. Food, friends, and fun. Thats the goal. People you can feel 100% comfortable with. Alcohol not provided.... I do have a cat, so if your allergic, take your benadryl. Email me at 220niowa@gmail.com for address, etc. Party starts at 7:30pm, in Provo.

Always listening, but do others listen to me?

2011-01-19T21:03:00.000-08:00

I spend my days listening to people it seems. I do more psychology than anyone who isn't a psychologist should. I ask a lot of questions, get a lot of answers, and help people. The pattern doesn't seem to end when work ends. I notice it in my encounters with people when in other situations too. I listen, they talk.

Today the thought kept creeping in: Am I so uninteresting no one ever asks much in the other direction?

Haven't received an answer yet....

My Stepfather's funeral :(

2011-01-16T07:49:00.001-08:00

Yesterday was a fascinating day. By most people's definitions a hard one, but to me, quite wonderful in a lot of ways.

My stepfather died, and I flew back to the midwest on Friday afternoon, meeting my sister at the airport, and driving to my Mother's. Beyond the frigid weather and enormous quantities of snow, it wasn't the ideal circumstances for a trip back. But there have been some wonderful things about it.

For the first time in my life, my sister and I spent 2 hours talking candidly and openly about my homosexuality. We talked about friends of hers, and different experiences they have gone through. She literally cried at the thought of the church's response to people like me. She expressed a lot of disgust about all that she perceived that I had done for the church, and what would happen now. I hadn't really thought of it that way. She told me the story of her long time boyfriend's nephew and his coming out to her this past month.

Being here for my mother was really important to me. I just knew she needed the emotional support. Friday night she expressed a lot of concerns about being the 2nd wife when it comes time for the "end." Funerals can bring out all sorts of strange things. Most of the day on Saturday was spent with at the Catholic Church in this tiny town my stepfather grew up nearby.

I have been to Catholic weddings, and probably a funeral (though I don't remember it) but 80% plus of my extended family is protestant. Their views and methods of expressing their spirituality are mostly protestant (or a few mormons). I felt like my job was just to stand by my mother and shepherd her through the day, and thats pretty much what I did. It is awkward to walk into a funeral (which started with a 1 hour visitation sort of thing) when you are seeing hundreds (and yes hundreds) of small town friends and relatives of your deceased spouse, his children, his grandchildren, etc. Frankly, it went wonderfully. I haven't hugged so many people since my wedding reception.

I cherished the opportunity to see my own extended family, and some close family friends. It just lifted my spirits in so many way. After it was all over, we went home, spent the afternoon as a family, went out to eat, then went to a movie. Wonderful laughs, and just the thrill of spending time together when geography has distanced us so much.

There was of course, a spiritual side to all this. Shortly after we arrived at the church, the gang started setting up flowers, and also a lot of sentimental things, like pictures, and my Stepfather's accordian. Suddenly, the feeling struck me. I could just feel him there. His presence, and love. It didn't pass quickly. I told my mother, but I wasn't quite sure if she believed me. Unmistakable really. The service, was, like most Catholic services, very symbolic, and full of traditions. The priest speaks, the audience responds. My mind kept finding similarities between Latter-Day Saint beliefs, and Catholic traditions. We believe in the sacrament of bread and water, they do to. We have priests to bless ours, their priest blesses theirs. He made a statement encouraging all Catholic's "in good standing" with the church to come forward and receive Communion. I found that reference rather stunning. He made a gentle statement of sadness about all the divisions within Christianity. The symbolism about the Savior was evident throughout. A very real belief that Jesus Christ takes upon himself our sins.

Other things were rather foreign. A poster on the back of the Cathedral asking members to donate to the "Sister's retirement fund." ie, taking care of their nuns. Another poster encouraging their young men to consider a calling as a priest, since they have a notable shortage of them.

All in all, an emotional, but beautiful day (despite the cold).

Thank God its Friday

2011-01-07T14:22:00.000-08:00

This has been a great day so far, and the rest appears to be great too. Some days are just amazing. Somehow, the smile was on my face when I woke up. Had some half way decent energy when I was working out, and work has gone well. I'm grateful.

Here was the neat piece--I walked out of my office to have lunch with a work friend, and looked up at the trees next to the river--there flying up the path of the river was this enormous bird. It was a bald eagle. Amazing. So beautiful.

So there you have it--today is wonderful. I needed a day like this.

One of those days.

2011-01-01T16:45:00.000-08:00

Today feels awful, and I can't quite figure out why. I have that alone and depressed sentiment and I just can't shake it. The house isn't empty, I've had a lot of fun lately, but something just is hitting me a little too hard.

A friend of mine asked me by text yesterday how I'd rate my year. That was a hard question. In terms of life trauma, (with 1 being worst and 10 being best) I'd give it a 2. It was awful. In terms of career/finances, a 5. I just seemed too distracted to get anywhere. In terms of family life, maybe a 4. So hard. Ouch. In terms of personal progress and moving forward in life, an 8. Looking back through the veil of hindsight tells me I've accomplished quite a bit.

To all my blog friends--I love you. You have enriched my life so much, and I want you to know it. I got to see several of you last night, meet a couple new ones too. Your perspective has done so much for me. I'm not sure what I would have done this past year without you.

Have we come full circle?

2010-12-26T15:11:00.000-08:00

I love history. I often spend Sunday afternoons watching PBS specials, and programs like History Detectives. Today has been no exception. The program was "Secrets of the Dead," an episode about the translation of the bible by William Tyndale. The program, like most, was fascinating, but brought thoughts to my mind which really concerned me.

Of course, Tyndale lived in the 1500's in the days when the Catholic Church was the "all-mighty" political power throughout Europe. The Church could do no wrong..... Their control over life far-reaching. Their desire to keep the bible from being Translated into other languages took many to their death. Thus was born the Reformation. Martin Luther and others fighting for the translation of the Bible into German, English and other languages.

As I watched, I could see and feel the inspiration these men felt. They were enlightened. They knew their cause was just, and gave their time and sometimes their lives in service to that cause.

Of course, their struggle is documented well by history. Henry the 8th and his multiple wives, divorces, and creation of the Church of England. The Puritans later deciding the church of England wasn't pure enough, and heading out for New England in search of a place where they could create a land whose government matched their beliefs. (ie a theocracy). Of course, it didn't quite work, and thus were born dozens of different versions of protestant faith within the United States.

Our own faith was born of this environment. Joseph Smith grew up in the midst of a fervent religious revival. His work, his ideas, were all influenced by these things. "Enlightened" is a good word for the man. The result of his efforts is a new faith, a new priesthood, a new church, and new scripture. Was it all perfectly laid out? Nope. Not at all. The version he left has changed and evolved over time. Beliefs have evolved over time. Do I think the fundamentals have been left behind? I'll let you study that out and decide for yourself.

But here's my concern. We now have a church which is led from the top down. It leads by edict. It states, and the rest follow. It interprets what scripture means, and what God's will is for us. The belief is that the church is led by a prophet of God. Hence, the common belief amongst the faithful is that it can do no wrong. Did you catch that? It can do no wrong. Either it is led by God or not, so it can do no wrong.....

The Church provides a handbook which guides local wards and stakes in terms of how they deal with things. It changes with each printing, and the latest one has some surprising new rules about exercising priesthood authority. It basically says you can't do it without Temple Recommend. http://invictuspilgrim.blogspot.com/2010/11/no-longer-worthy-enough-one-fathers.html Why is that? Some would probably say its an issue of moral worthiness. I'm not so sure. Is it just a matter of making sure that people are willing to state their acceptance of the First Presidency and General authorities and their views? See the trouble? I just almost feel like we are headed for the full circle.

What began as inspiration and enlightenment now becomes authority and power? Something seems strange about all of this....

From One Christmas to the next....

2010-12-25T19:40:00.000-08:00

I keep having occasion to think about all the incredible changes life has undergone in the space of 12 months. Had you asked me 5 years ago all of this would happen, I doubt I would have believed it.

Last Christmas, I was still in a very much "dead" marriage. I was supporting my wife, her kids, our kids, and trying to deal with a really frustrating situation. No affection, intimacy, and the only connection between us was the past that we shared. Her desire to escape was very, very evident at that point. She was gone over Christmas, spending the last bit of time she could with her dying Mother (sad huh). The kids and I were here trying to make the best of it. Money was fairly abundant, and we didn't lack. Didn't go anywhere special or do anything out of the ordinary for the holidays. I had no gay friends, and the only gay guys I knew were a couple online acquaintances I had emailed with some. I had never been to a gay bar or club, or gone on a date with a guy, or anything of the sort. My kids, parents and siblings didn't know I was gay. I knew by this point the marriage was dead, but I still didn't know when or how it would end. In some ways, I felt desperate, alone and almost scared. When I allowed myself the luxury of dreaming about a life beyond, it felt like guilty pleasure. I showed up at Church on Sundays just to drag the kids over there, not because I wanted to be there.

Fast forward until today. My marriage is over, my kids and former stepkids are all here over Christmas vacation. My ex wife lives and works in a neighboring state. She's spending Christmas with her new boyfriend, who I might add is very much disliked by my stepdaughters. My parents, siblings, and children all know I'm gay. I've met many, many wonderful gay guys, made all sorts of new friends. I don't think I've had this many friends since college pre-mission. I've dated men. I've been to clubs, and had adventures. Most of which were wondeful. Money is much less abundant, and I've learned what life alone means, and what paying Child Support means. I've learned how damn tough it is to be separated from your own children most of the time. I've had mental challenges and spiritual challenges I never anticipated. I've had spiritual experiences I never anticipated. I keep wondering what comes next, and wondering when I I'll meet the perfect special someone.

Quite a year, huh. Here's hoping the next Christmas finds life even better. Sorry about the pic--couldn't resist.

Conversation with two Straight Boys

2010-12-23T20:32:00.000-08:00

So one day this week I had lunch with two straight guys. Both work in my office, and I know them well. Both are guys that have overcome a lot in life, and have a competitive streak (big time). Both happily married with children, both as Mormon as they come, raised in the church. One grew up in California, one in Colorado. I usually enjoy their company. Lunch was tasty, and the conversation fascinating.

For some reason, we got on the topic of Prop 8, Gay Marriage, etc. I'm not out at work, and don't intend to be. Utah County just isn't much of a place to be "out" at work. In a lot of ways, I'm similar, in some ways extremely opposite. I was a convert, not a "bic" child. I grew up far from areas where mormon wards had much reach. I'm gay, they are straight. I'm much more of a political moderate than them. I enjoy challenging their thinking....

So the conversation was definitely fascinating. Its hard to recreate the conversation, but their were points that just struck me. One of them swore that if the church ever accepted Gay Marriage, he would leave the church. I pointed out how the church's position on things like polygamy and black's holding the priesthood had changed too. Explained my belief that you can't have things like prop 8 when you have a 14th amendment as part of the US constitution. I told them I thought it was a total waste of church resources to fight against Prop 8 when there were so many more important things for them to focus their efforts on. I told them I believed it was a losing battle.

One of them had gay LDS friends growing up, and didn't really believe they were "purely" gay since they had been attracted to/dated girls at some point. I told him that was like saying he "chose to be straight" at some point.

The conversation was long. Their were points when I just wanted to scream--WTF!!!SXXXX@@!@ But, of course, I couldn't. It was not really possible. They are so convinced of their way, and that there could be no other.

This mentality, at this point in my life, just sort of horrifies me. I can't accept it, and don't want to tolerate it.

Had a conversation like this lately?

Difficult Days? Week from Hell.

2010-12-18T19:43:00.000-08:00

What a week. I wouldn't have wished for it. Work was slow, as usual this time of year, and money is tight, which I would never wish for it to be this time of year. Thursday I felt like I should call my mother for some reason, and I found out my stepfather is terminal with cancer. Harsh discovery, as you can imagine, though not completely unexpected due to health history.

The sad part is what it will put him and my mother through in the next six months or so. It has already begun. She called me back this am, hardly knowing how to deal with him. Seems he's losing part of his "rational" forces, so to speak. I don't know how well she'll deal with it. Thankfully she has all the insurance in the world on herself and himself, including insurance to pay for home health care, assisted living, and long term care. Ouch.

So after hearing that, hanging up, and saying a few expletives, I immediately tried calling my sister, which as usual was a hopeless task. Left her a scary message and called my aunt/uncle, then my brother.

So in the course of this conversation with my brother, something happened which I really hadn't intended. I just mentioned that I couldn't get in touch with our sister. He then said, with seriousness, and a very snide tone, "oh, she's probably hanging out with her GAY friends." At that point, something snapped in my head, and I said the following: Well, I wouldn't say too much about them, since your brother is one of them. But, we'll talk more about that later. Then I told him I loved him and hung up. I don't know why I did that. I just was kind of mad, and maybe just looking for an way to get it over with.

I texted my sister to call me, and later she did. I figured there was no better time, so I came out to her. (More on that in a bit). I guess I figured I'd just let my brother stew on it all night. The next morning, at 7 am, he called me, which wasn't a surprise. What was a surprise, was how difficult it was just to talk about it with him. He basically said--You gave me the wierdest phone call of my life--you tell my stepfather is dying, and that you are gay, then hang up. You have to give me more than that.

I told him I just thought I'd teach him a lesson. He said he wasn't surprised, and since he's known me my whole life, he has seen plenty of OGT's. He said something to the effect that he wasn't as much of a bigot as I thought he was, and he understood from a physician's perspective that it wasn't something I chose, or something I had picked.

It was a hard conversation to have. I got emotional, cried some when we got to talking about the church. I told him what I thought of Boyd K. Packer's comments in conference and living an empty celibate life. He of course gently responded with a "well, we don't know why" and your life will just be harder. He did better than I thought he'd do, and reminded me of a couple things--like the fact that I did have at least 10 years of good marriage, and got 2 children and 2 stepchildren out of life--something most gay guys never get. His days as a bishop have done him some good. He kept reminding me how being gay wasn't all of "who" I was. Is that just code for put this back in the closet and leave it there?

So--at least he won't be bothering me about getting married soon.

My sister is a very different person. Not religious, not married, lives in Chicago with long term boyfriend. So, I basically had a simple conversation with her doing the same thing, though I didn't hang up or something dramatic. Just told her I was Gay, and she told me ok, and she would support me. We spent a lot of time texting that night, and she called me the next day, ready to talk more. Most of her talking was about being careful, etc. Can't say I blame her--thats what a good sister should tell a brother in this position.

All in all, these conversations have gone well. My entire immediate family, children, siblings, and parents, know. I'm basically done for now with the "outing."

It was an adventure, and stressed me out. I'm glad its over, and Christmas is coming. It could have gone so much worse. Tough, fascinating week.

I'm in Love

2010-12-15T20:13:00.000-08:00

With Ricky Martin. Don't ask me why. Just couldn't quit looking at his pictures and watching his videos. I read part of his biography in the bookstore. There you have it--my strange quirk of the day. What's yours?

Family

2010-12-13T19:01:00.000-08:00

You love them, you hate them, but damn they can drive you crazy. You fear for them, you cry for them, you have hopes, dreams and desires for their lives, but in the end, there is this funny little eternal principle about free agency which lets them do pretty much whatever they want.

This weekend I had the chance to spend some great time with someone who was going through a heck of a lot of grief due to his family. He's out to them, and pretty much in all aspects of his life. He's someone I really like and admire. But that night, he was going through a lot of emotional turmoil, and I could see it on his face. His family, meaning parents and some of his siblings treat him pretty badly. They exclude him from family events, and their excuse is disapproval of his lifestyle. They are horribly afraid that if he brings a partner over, something is going to "corrupt" them. (Remember, these are my words, not his).

He's reaching the point where he kind of has to exclude them from his life if he doesn't want to continue tolerating their very non-christian antics. How would you like your parents to insist on meeting you at a restaurant instead of coming over to the house?

I can't imagine all of it. He and I grew up in very different homes. He had blue ribbon (or so they thought) mormon parents who were consumed by their interpretation of their religion, and by the old "keeping up appearances" mindset. Mine were pretty laid back. One was a member, one wasn't. One has a sense of spirituality, one has none. I felt blessed as I listened to what he was going through. My parents didn't freak out and begin exclusion rites. My parents offered love and acceptance, and frankly still do. I know they probably aren't all that comfortable with what I told them, but their love is abundantly clear.

My heart aches when I see people going through things like this. My male instincts to solve the problem want to kick in, but there are no easy solutions. Their are only methods of dealing with it that won't eliminate the problem.

So my friends in the blogosphere: How would you deal with this treatment? Yes, it could be worse, but what would you do, say and feel?

Empty house...Rent a room to someone?

2010-12-04T12:29:00.001-08:00

So I'm sitting at this moment in my nice empty house. Its got 4 bedrooms I use for myself, kids or computer room. Kids aren't here much, except in the summer, and I really am at the point where I wonder if I should rent the other bedroom (5th) out to someone within the "family" who needs a safe place to be who they really are. It could probably really help someone who feels the need for a place where they could just be themself.

In other words, I've got a room (nice, furnished, etc) that I am thinking about renting out to someone here in the college land of Provo. I've rented out things before, know plenty about perils of landlord life, etc. But its sort of, to a minor degree, like inviting someone into your life. Suggestions? I think its a little different than just hunting down any old college roommate back in the "day."

Who were all those crushes

2010-11-23T11:16:00.000-08:00

We've all had them. "Crushes." Some were from a distance, others were people that were really in our lives. I've written about a couple of mine before. One, the homecoming king, the other a missionary companion, friend/roommate. But over the past year, I've realized that there were others. Most were just guys I'd encounter once in awhile.

Brent was tall, blond, thin, and gorgeous. He had dark skin. His aunt and uncle were best friends of my parents. I'd see him each summer when all of us would gather at the lake. It was the kind of setting that meant beaches, boats and bathing suits. He did that act quite well. I saw him a few times from the age of 12 to 15. He was a year older than me, and frankly, I was scared of him. He seemed to have it all right, when I had it all wrong. Stupid, high school perspective, I know. So of course, I never revealed in any way, shape, or form these sentiments.

Jon was also a year older than me. He went to my high school, and he drove me crazy for one reason only--his body. We were both on the Football team, which in my small town meant we spent a fair amount of time in the group shower together. His "endowment" was substantial, he knew it, and loved to joke about it. UGGGH....

Joe was a fellow freshman with me in college. We were both in Choir, both lived in the same hall in the dorms. He was quite an actor, and the girl I was dating that year became good friends with him because she was the stage manager in their production of Equus. He had the lead, need I say more. But in addition to sexy, he was interesting, and I kind of made an effort after awhile to get to know him. He hadn't thought too much of me previously. He kind of thought I was just some republican rich boy, and somehow to his more liberal farm boy actor views, that wasn't too good. We became great friends, worked out a lot together, and still communicate via facebook. In those days, the crush was real, I just couldn't have admitted it.

In my Sophomore year of college, Joe's roommate also became my friend (Mark). Mark was in choir, kind of a religious kid (now a protestant minister). He came from a fascinating town, and a real "business" kind of family. We spent some time together, and like all these guys in my dorm, "knew" each other from top to bottom thanks to the 50's group showers. Mild crush, but I realize now that it was real.

Post mission, in my BYU days, I had that previously referenced crush to the old mission comp, but also had a physical one on his roommate, Paul. Paul was a baseball player, had a hot body, and was fun. He was kind of touchy--like athletes can be, and didn't mind showing off the bod. It had an affect.

Post marriage, my opportunities for befriending guys pretty much ended (or so I thought) and from that point, it seemed my crushes were just a succession of guys in the ward that turned me on. You see--I live in a ward with tons of turnover, and lots of young married students that move in and out. One or two a year always catches my eye. I always left them alone... Admiration from afar.

I used to just think that I was just admiring them. Ha. What a joke. There was far more too it, that I didn't want to admit.

Voices

2010-11-21T08:40:00.001-08:00

My house isn't quiet this week. My mother and step-father are staying with me until December 2nd. Frankly, it's a relief to have them here. You might wonder why--since they inevitably require some attention, and "effort" like all late 60's and 70's parents do. Its really quite simple...

Its all in the "voices." I hear them talking, and whistling, and I hear the tv on. Sound is a blessed thing.

The thing I hate most about my house when the kids are gone is silence. Nothing screams---you are alone---better than silence. So, here's the first of my gratitudes for Thanksgiving: Thanks for voices.

Voices tell us we are loved. They tell us we are hated. They tell us we have more to learn, or they allow us to teach. They provide us with knowledge, and sometimes, even wisdom.

Advice?

2010-11-14T10:18:00.000-08:00

I've been called by the "executive secretary" for an interview with the Bishop. I don't even want to go. I may just not show up. But if I go, what do I say. Oh, yes Bishop, I'm a good boy (by your terms), or Bishop, I'm happy my wife left me, and my kids are in another state, and I've done everything in my power to be a perfect mormon.... I haven't touched another man, and my desire has just magically gone away. I'm just thrilled with the general conference messages, especially the one by Boyd K. Packer telling me I'm just delusional.

Ok, enough of the sarcasm. I can say very little, lie, and stay in the church, or tell him everything, and probably get called to a disciplinary council and tossed out of the church.

I can feel my blood pressure rising..... He's going to ask me if I've remained true to my covenants, and ask me if I've been checking out porn, and if I'm making any progress on being worthy of a temple recommend.

Maybe not going is the best choice.

Death Comes, even to the best (or worst) of us

2010-11-07T13:42:00.000-08:00

No, this isn't a suicide announcement.

Today I went to church (yes, I know--a rare thing). Everyone was talking in their testimonies about a sister in the ward who is at death's door due to pancreatic cancer. She's an amazing woman, literally an example of true Christianity. One who accepted everyone, welcomed everyone, never focused on wealth, and gave. And when I say gave, I mean it. She gave her voice, and her theatric talents to 60 years of audiences. Her voice was a direct gift from God. I loved her, and one of the most fun "service" moments I can think of in my life was painting her house. While I was sitting there, I kept thinking I was literally feeling her spirit. I was wondering--had she not been a mormon, what kind of person would she have been? My conclusion--she would have been the same wonderful person, just of another faith. I miss her already.

The other death of the day, is a woman who was my aunt (married to my uncle) for the first 20 years of my life. She was orphaned by 7, abused. Married my uncle, and abused her children terribly. Alcoholic, who never really got over it. Blew threw a fortune in alimony and assets after a rough divorce. Died in an apartment--found by her son-in-law. Really, an awful life. Her influence was terrible--creating broken, difficult lives for her daughters especially. I don't know if they'll ever really get over it. She was literally feared by the extended family to some extent. So, when was the die cast, so to speak? Who knows. I learned at an early age that child abuse is an evil thing.

I'm feeling kind of emotional. Thinking how grateful I am to have met many of you, and for the friends I've made within the "family." I sometimes don't know where I'm at. I long for the "simplicity" of the old life, but recognize it just wasn't really all that simple. I think about once again "giving up" this side of me, but can't get over the basic premise that God made me this way for a reason, and has things for me to do. Damn life is hard sometimes.

Torn

2010-10-15T17:39:00.001-07:00

I am torn--between wanting the LDS Church to be what it isn't and probably won't be, and wanting to get far, far away from it, and the culture it creates.

The more I think about it the more it hurts. The less I think about it and just enjoy life--the better I feel.

My mother was right--being in the church will drive me insane.

I have a feeling some of you feel the same. Tell us about it.

"Out" to my father

2010-10-09T12:32:00.001-07:00

I did it....

The next day, after we had watched the church broadcast, I had to take him back to the airport. It was the last chance I would have in several months to do it face to face. It was so hard. I don't think I've ever felt that nervous/anxious about coming out to someone. The road kept going by, and finally, I figured I just had to do it. I told him that I didn't want him being mad at my ex wife about our divorce, and told him I had made quite a mistake a long time ago (and I added that it wasn't an affair). I explained that I was gay, and I had never told her that before we got married. A brief version of the story, but it got the point across. It was easy to see his mind processing all of this. He didn't say a great deal, and his demeanor didn't really change.

So--3 straight friends, my mother, a massage therapist, my children---and now my father. The process goes on.... My sister is next. Wish I saw her more in person.

I miss my kids this weekend. Just not used to them being gone.....

First conversation with my Father

2010-10-07T21:34:00.000-07:00

Tonight I was sitting at home with my 72 year old father watching tv. The news came on, and then a story about the silent protest held around temple square and church headquarters. Touching that 4500 people showed up. My Dad listened, then said "I don't have anything against Gay people," I just don't like the idea of gay marriage." He mentioned thinking that the Iowa Supreme Court made the wrong choice. I didn't say a lot, but stated that what got the LDS Church in trouble was their black and white attitude about things like this. I pointed out the problem we are having within our community of gay youth suicides. I said to him--imagine how my brother (bishop) would feel if one of his kids were gay. My Dad said--"he'd be pretty unhappy."

It was 10:30 pm, late, and I just didn't quite feel like "coming out." I think that will happen tomorrow on the way back to the airport. I don't ever remember having a conversation about homosexuality with my father before--of any kind. He showed me some degree of rationality still exists in his mind.

Meanwhile--I hope that if some gay young man or woman is reading this blog--they know there is life beyond high school, and beyond the cultural reach of a church which chooses to exclude homosexuals. I want them to know they are loved--both by God, and by many other people like myself who fear for their lives, and hope they can see their way through the fog.

In other life news--I'm dating someone I really like and care about. He's a lot like me, just younger. He grew up LDS, was married, had 2 kids, and divorced. Not sure why I felt like writing this--guess there is a first for everything.

The "talk"

2010-10-04T19:57:00.000-07:00

I didn't listen to conference. I just had no desire. But last night, I watched the news, and when you live in Utah, "conference news" always comes through. Unfortunately, the only news was the media's recitation of Boyd K. Packer's talk telling all of us Moho's that we are delusional freaks who just "think" we've been cheated by Heavenly Father. Most of the pertinent points were right in the front page of the newspaper too. How comforting.

So--perhaps the stunning thing was seeing how much "contradiction" his talk gives to other general authorities. Do I believe him--no. Sorry--I just didn't "choose" to be attracted to guys from the time I was 12. His statements ring so hollow and false to those of us who have lived it. Only someone who hasn't lived it is bigoted enough to think it. I talked quite awhile to a moho friend today--and this was one of our topics. Neither of us knows quite how to process this. He was angry enough to be thinking about sending in a letter of resignation. I doubt he'll do it, but it was enough to have him thinking about it.

Equality Utah

2010-09-29T10:29:00.000-07:00

Last night I had the chance to go to the dinner/fund raiser for Equality Utah. It was literally stunning. Held in the Salt Palace--the ballroom was full to capacity. 1600 people in there. Beautiful, wonderful people passionately involved in seeking equal rights for all. When we walked in, I heard this sort of a roaring sound. i thought it was a waterful.... Nope, it was just all the people. A friend who was with me said it was the first time he had been around so many Democrats.

The keynote speaker was Dustin Lance Black--excellent speech.

You are invited

2010-09-14T12:27:00.001-07:00

I've decided to have a party: "Opening Night" in Provo. Opening night, that is, for the new season of Glee. Come on over to my house on this coming Tuesday night at 6:00 pm. If you feel so inclined, bring some sort of food or drink item. Alcohol won't be provided by the host, i can assure you of that. Plenty of room, and hopefully, plenty of wonderful people come and join me.

So who is it for: my fellow moho bloggers, readers and friends. Friends of yours will be welcome too. It will be interesting to see how many great "guys" like us we can actually gather in Provo.

If you'd like to come, send me an email at 220niowa@gmail.com and I'll give you my address. Easy to find the house, I assure you. I'll make sure to check the email address often.

Just one rule applies--respect. If you come, please respect the fact that not everyone is fully "out" of the closet, and ready to have their participation broadcast in the community.

Since this all began.....

2010-09-04T17:02:00.000-07:00

Time for a look back... to when this blog began. I started writing in May of 2009, 16 months ago. Yesterday I read all my blog entries, almost out of curiosity to see what I was thinking and feeling. Wow, what a journey. At the time:

I was trapped in a marriage without affection or intimacy of any kind
I was depressed (due to conditions)
I wondered when the misery would end
Extremely deep in the closet, desperate for the chance to get to know fellows like me
Dreaming of a day when I could live an honest life

Things are so different. The marriage is over, which comes with its own blessings and curses. My children live with their mother during the school year, and spend breaks, including this weekend, with me. I miss them, no doubt about it. I'm not depressed or unhappy. Most days, I feel great. I'm not so "in the closet" anymore. In fact, I'm half way out. I'm out to my children, my kids, and some friends. I've met lots of wonderful guys who I've spent time with. Some through the Moho parties, some through a local Gay father's organization, and others through dating.

I no longer feel much like a mormon. I go, now and then, and still love and care about the members of my local ward. But I don't really know that I share many of their views on a lot of things. I'm thankful for the good things I was taught, for the "real religion" that came with the LDS church. But I know that I'll probably never be able to live an honest life within the church, and that isn't something I can stomach.

I look better physically, I feel better mentally. The world didn't cave in. Every time I've come out to someone, I feel better. I've learned a lot. I can't say I'm much different. I wake up the same person, and think about a lot of the same things.

Hope all of you can say that this period of time has been a time of progress. I hope you've enjoyed reading all my crazy posts.

Hard weekend

2010-08-30T14:46:00.001-07:00

I had the joy of driving to Las Vegas this weekend to leave my kids with their mother for the school year. It was hard. We left early Saturday and got there in the early evening. It was as much emotionally exhausting as physically tiring. I had booked a room down there, which was pretty nice. By the time I got there, I was done--no exciting night life, no visiting fun casino games, or anything else. I at dinner, and fell asleep by 9pm. I think my ex was surprised I didn't stay with her at her house. She offered. I just didn't have the energy to extend the inevitable separation any longer. I hugged, and hugged and kissed the kids, and left.

Some days are tough in life. This was just one of them.

Am I a fraud

2010-08-26T21:43:00.001-07:00

Tonight I just felt like I was accused of being fraudulent. I was having an online conversation with a man who felt like guys who weren't completely out were fraudulent. Meaning--they lived and perpetrated a lie. He had really strong perspectives, and I felt challenged at every turn. I think thats what he likes to do. I just didn't know what to say. I look at this mormon to moho to gay experience as just part of the path--and I guess I've made excuses for myself regularly because of it.

But when you were out to friends by 8th grade, and completely out by 17, I can see how you would have a different perspective. He told me that one thing he couldn't tolerate was someone taking him out on a date, and not introducing him accurately--like you tell people he's your friend, when in reality (theoretically) he could be your date, your boyfriend, your lover, your husband. Fascinating, and making me think right now..

Your thoughts, fellow moho's?

Whitewash.......

2010-08-22T20:16:00.000-07:00

So this evening I was watching PBS--quite normal in my life, I assure you. Showing: the Emma Smith Story. Beautiful, touching moments, and 20 seconds on Plural Marriage, maximum.

My mother and I had quite the conversation last night about Polygamy, and how things have been "whitewashed." She was citing the churches version about the need for men to take care of these women, and more women than men, and that kind of thing. Having read a pretty comprehensive history about it, I knew all of that was a myth. They chose it because Joseph Smith told them to do it, and they believed he was the inspired prophet of God.

Was Polygamy really what God wanted--I have doubts on that score. Women suffered, men became "different." Going back to the days of the bible?.....Maybe. But in the 1800's it was strictly an alternative lifestyle.

So why do I watch? The production was beautifully produced, and interesting. It was interesting to see early church history from the eyes of a woman. Heck, I just see in the credits that a local middle school principal played the part of one of the female characters.

I think through the whole thing---why did all this once mean so much to me that my life was built around it, but not now? Yes, the questions turn on, like perpetual mental torment.

Crashing feeling at church

2010-08-15T15:36:00.000-07:00

I went to church this afternoon. Primarily, because I was taking kids to primary. Secondarily because I still care about and enjoy seeing many of the people there. I sat down in Sunday School, and was chased in by an attorney in our ward who has gone through the divorce and remarriage game many (and I mean many) times, and took it upon himself to offer me advice on beginning the dating game once again. UGGGH. But no big deal.

Then I was waiting in the hall for Priesthood to start, when one of the ward members was taking it upon himself to lecture a few of the young men about the length of their hair and how he had this urge to bring in his clippers while they were asleep and cut it to "missionary length." I pointed out that Jesus didn't wear his hair at missionary length. Everyone chuckles, then he starts on his circle of logic.

It basically is what Mormons use to explain away all inconveniences. Something to the effect that if you believe the brethren are chosen by God (and therefore Jesus) then its Jesus who wants all of us in missionary haircuts and white shirts perpetually. I felt this crashing feeling in my stomach. I wanted to leave, and shortly thereafter headed out. I had receieved enough of mormon culture for one day.

It felt so exclusionary, and I felt honestly shocked to think he really could think that way about what Jesus really cared about.

Prop 8 conversation

2010-08-09T13:09:00.000-07:00

You just never know what will come up in a conversation. Before lunch today, I was getting a drink out of the office fridge, which sits in a big office shared by some assistants. One of them is a gal I've known a long time. She's nice, and just divorced. I think she finds me attractive, which won't do her much good...

I sat down to talk with her, and she mentioned it was the 8th anniversary of her marriage, and a couple other things. Then we got to talking about my own divorce, and my kids, etc. She said she was thinking about how close of a relationship to keep with her ex, which kind of surprised me. She said they were still friends, and it wasn't a horrible situation. They never had kids. Thats when the conversation got interesting....

You see--people tell me everything. And I mean everything. Its like I'm a perpetual unpaid "Shrink." So we were talking about her ex, and immediately it comes out that she thinks her ex is gay. (Gulp). He evidently had quite a thing for gay (and other) porn. For years--and he couldn't give it up. Lied to her all the time about it. She says something just told her "deep down" that he was gay. Yes, I was surprised...

So then we get to talking about him, and how she feels now is the time in his life to come clean, and fess up. We got to talking about the church, and prop 8, and what growing up in a very mormon community (ie American Fork) might have been like for him. Turns out we pretty much felt the same about these issues. We agreed about same sex marriage, and how the church in general handles these things.

I wonder if she's the type that is attracted to gay guys... Fraid so, though i didn't tell her as much.

America is advanced Citizenship

2010-08-04T20:14:00.000-07:00

Tonight most of us are pretty happy about the District Court ruling which strikes down Proposition 8. A friend (non-gay) and formerly LDS, reminded me of a great movie quote which I'll share here:

"America isn't easy. America is advanced citizenship. You gotta want it bad, 'cause its gonna put up a fight. It's gonna say: You want free speech? Let's see you acknowledge a man whose words make your blood boil, who's standing center stage and advocating at the top of his lungs that which you would spend a lifetime opposing at the top of yours. You want to claim this land as the land of the free? Then the symbol of your country can't just be a flag; the symbol also has to be one of its citizens exercising his right to burn that flag in protest. Show me that, defend that, celebrate that in your classrooms."

Well, here we see it. People condemning homosexual marriage as morally wrong, and others reminding them the constitution doesn't give them the right to exclude anyone from equal protection (and rights) of the law. Today I celebrate this ruling. Once upon a time I would have condemned it. Yes, my friends, I have changed, and grown. I pray America will too.

Tidbits....

2010-08-01T20:15:00.000-07:00

Unusual month--sort of. I didn't post for most of it, and hardly thought of it. Went back to see the family in the midwest for vacation. Grandmother turned 90, and the whole gang got together to celebrate. Fun times. Played on the lake a lot, I'm looking tan, thats for sure. The time was pretty much consumed by "kid management" and or "fun management." I had sort of thought of coming out to my sister during the trip, but just didn't feel the desire to do so when I was there. It just wasn't the kind of occasion for it. Here are some tidbits:

Spent a few days with my brother the bishop and his family. Beautiful kids, we had a good time. It was like watching mormon family in high gear, mostly in good shape. But one thing really bugged me--it was my sister in law telling my nephew how absolutely important avoiding the appearance of evil or anything like it was. I just kept thinking--teach the boy some real religion.
Seeing the whole family lets me see all sorts of things. Protestant mostly, with a few Catholics and a few mormons. I see how their views affect their lives, or haven't affected their lives. A dysfunctional family is dysfunctional in any religion. Failing to teach your kids common sense principles about things like birth control, loving your fellow man, and forgiving one another, and avoiding substance abuse is really problematic.
I wonder why at some strange moments when I'm back there I can turn off my sexuality and just not think of it. Doesn't ever seem to happen here.
Black and White Mormons bug me. My mother's home teacher stopped by while I was there. UGGGH. He proceeded to lecture my stepdaughter...... The very sort of thing which turned her away from the church completely.

Well, back to the real world now. Work resumes, life resumes.

Gay Father's Group

2010-07-12T14:07:00.000-07:00

One advantage of this blog and the wonderful people I've met is finding people who have struggled through many of the same things. Last night I went to a group of Gay Father's (90% had LDS backgrounds) and listened to some wonderful advice from men who had already "trod the path" in terms of coming out and dealing with their children. It was a blessing, and actually a lot of fun.

People always need other people. I sure enjoyed meeting these men.

I thought it was beautiful

2010-06-27T17:22:00.000-07:00

I was up north in Bear Lake, and Logan over this weekend. Yesterday late in the afternoon I was driving back into town from Bear Lake going past USU when i noticed a couple guys walking down the sidewalk holding hands. I had to look twice, and couldn't stop looking. It was so beautiful to see these guys walking down that sidewalk together. And to think it was in Logan, Utah (next thing to Happy Valley).

One of my stepdadughters was in the car with me, and it was obvious she saw it to, and she looked back. Almost as if she wanted to say something, but didn't.

Nice weekend, family time.

I couldn't believe what was happening

2010-06-24T10:46:00.001-07:00

This morning had begun pretty normally. I got up, ate a bowl of cereal, shaved, brushed my teeth, folded laundry, ironed a shirt, and went over to the gym. Nothing out of the ordinary. Did 10 minutes on the elliptical trainer just to warm up, and towards the end of it, I started watching this "preview" segment on CNN about an upcoming documentary (tonight at 8 ET). It was about gay and lesbian young people, and an organization trying to help them. I kept going when the 10 min was over just because it was interesting, kind of touching of course. About 5 minutes later, I got this epiphany feeling telling me I needed to do something about these kids and helping them.

I was remembering something in my Patriarchal blessing that talked about doing a lot of good for my fellow man. The next thing I know I was nearly trembling. Cold shivers running up and down my whole body. I knew the feeling. I knew what it meant. It was God trying to tell me he wasn't kidding about this. He was serious. It was one of those moments where you just know the connection is there. It was so powerful I thought for awhile about getting off the machine.

God made me Gay for a reason. He gave me talents for a reason, and now he's trying to tell me something for a reason. People need help. the stunning thing about all this was that it had been a long time since I felt this feeling. A long time and in a very, very different setting. I was then an LDS missionary. Now I'm a semi-(at best) active gay guy who shows up at church now and then. In all of the LDS views--I'm as unworthy as they come to be communicating with God in this sort of manner. But once again, I find my old assumptions falling away like scales falling off my eyes.

God will take you, whoever you are, and use you for the best he can. Things I thought he was SO worried about are irrelevant to him.

Fascinating morning. My treadmill revelation.

Wonderful Day. Coming out to my older son

2010-06-19T20:19:00.000-07:00

Today was a great day, for a few reasons. I am heavily involved in a huge neighborhood service project which happens once a year on a Saturday in June. The weather was perfect, we had lots of volunteers, and it was a big success. Fun for me. I love this sort of thing. By the time it was over, I was exhausted, and slept for a couple hours. Then got up and took my son out to eat for supper. We then went on a long walk, and talked about some of his concerns and worries.

He's kind of a worrier, and I needed to do this. I did my best to explain why his mother and I are divorcing, and why she moved, etc. Part of this had to include me explaining that I was Gay (at least mostly). I told him this, and he pretty much shrugged it off. He has more pressing concerns which will have to be dealt with. He's old enough to understand a lot. Very intelligent for 10. Great kid, more like me than I can stand sometimes. He was happier when we finished than when we started.

Kids hate things they can't understand, but they are far more open than we give them credit for.

So there you have my day. I'm now out to both my stepkids, my mother, and one of my sons (the one old enough to understand). My sister and brother are next, I think. Though my mother is not wanting me to take that step with my brother. I'm afraid I just have to though. Not sure when or how. I wrote a long letter in church a couple weeks ago, but haven't done anything with the letter.

Hope all of you are doing well. The burden keeps getting smaller. (Not that I'm not good at replacing them).

Prayers for Bobby

2010-06-13T13:56:00.000-07:00

I couldn't put it down this morning. I read, and read, and absorbed. What an amazing document of love. But the book affected me. I was crying, I was choking up constantly. I was shivering with that "feeling" that runs through me when I read something so true and so inspired. Yes, it was like a spiritual experience.

The book simply tells a story, but the story is so, so poignant. It breaks your heart, it rips out false beliefs. It makes you realize that churches have been pawns in the fight against those of us who are gay. The "moral majority" (and I mournfully have to include my own faith in that description) would have us tucked into a quiet box, never to be opened or understood by society. They would have us live empty lives completely free of love and affection because it serves their purposes.

I believe truth is to be found everywhere. I told a good friend on Thursday that I was frankly a liberal mormon. But after reading that book, I could not bring myself to go anywhere near the LDS church today. Nor did I even once ask my kids to go. My youngest son told me twice yesterday he wants a wedding dress to wear. I asked why--he said, so I can go to a wedding. What if my son is gay? What place anywhere near the LDS church can I put my boy in? These are the questions that have to be asked, and frankly answered.

The church can barely bring itself to accept Gordon B. Hinckley's own statements regarding the fact that they are to love their homosexual brothers and sisters. Politically, there is no love in the moral majority. There is no kindness in being told you are a flaw in the eternal plan of our heavenly father. There is no kindness in being told you have no possibility of love within the bounds of marriage in this life.

I read the story of Mary Griffith, Bobby's mother with fascinating interest. I once acted like her, spreading gospel verses, and feeling the same way she did--imagine that, a gay guy who was once homophobic. As she studied, and changed after her son's suicide, she came to feel in some ways like I have. Christianity has "adopted" a particular view of homosexuality to keep things within its comfort zones. She no longer believes in a literal Satan. Neither do I.

Her choices are inspiring. To go from one exteme to a literal fight and struggle to help teenagers like ourselves.

These are her words:

"To all the Bobbys and Janes out there, I say these words to you as I would to my own precious children: Please don't give up hope on life or yourselves. You are very special to me and I am working very hard to make this life a better and safer place for you to live in."

"I firmly believe--though I did not back then--that my son Bobby's suicide is the end result of homophobia and ignorance within most Protestant and Catholic churches, and consequently within society, our public schools, our own family."

"What a travesty of God's love for children to grow up believing themselves to be evil, with only a slight inclination toward goodness. . . . Is it any wonder our young people give up on love, as Bobby did, and the hope of ever receiving the validation they deserve as beautiful human beings?"

"But as a result of my son's death, I have joined other caring people to try to make a pathway with knowledge and understanding within our public school system, a pathway that in time may be traveled with dignity and freedom from fear, for gay and lesbian students, and any student who is subjected to discrimination."

"Promise me you will keep trying."

"Bobby gave up on love. I hope you won't. You are always in my thoughts."

With love, Mary Griffith.

Two down, two to go

2010-06-06T12:21:00.001-07:00

Half way there. I just took a walk and came out to my 2nd stepdaughter, and gave her a similar but slightly altered for age and attitude version of what I told her sister. I feel better. I was afraid, but it went well.

Kids can handle a lot. Love does that.

One down, three to go... Coming out to my children

2010-06-05T18:51:00.000-07:00

While many of you are hopefully enjoying pride celebrations this weekend, I'm not. I have all my kids at home. Children and Stepchildren. My sons haven't been home in 2 months, so it is wonderful to have them home for the summer. They seem pretty good, and really happy to be back amidst their friends. We had a great day, and went swimming this afternoon.

My accomplishment of the day was coming out to my oldest stepdaughter. She's a wonderful, open girl who has gone through a great deal in life. Too much, but most of that was out of my control. I kind of had to do it. At some point, things reach a situation where you have to act. It had reached that situation.

Nearly a year ago, my former spouse was over at a neighbor/friends home having a conversation about our situation. This neighbor was among the few that knew about me, because I had admitted it to her. What my former spouse didn't know was that the neighbor's son was listening. He head something to the effect of "I can never trust him again." I don't think much more than that, but I really don't know. Recently, this young man (who is a wonderful kid) shared this with my younger stepdaughter. She shared it with her Aunt, who shared it with the grandmother of my stepdaughters. The grandmother told me this morning. My stomach sank. I realized I had no more time, that I had to start this process.

I thought about it for awhile, while I was working out, etc. A few hours later, I found myself alone in the living room with the oldest stepdaughter, and I knew it was time. I pushed "pause" on the show she was watching on demand, and then the conversation began. I told her that I needed to talk to her, and immediately her face dropped. She was expecting me to give her some sort of lecture I think. So, I said--this isn't about you, its about me. I'll do my best to paraphrase what I said--forgive the literary license..

"I was told recently that I'm not too good at sharing things with other people sometimes that are real personal. Unfortunately, I think this has hurt you. I need to talk to you about your mother and I, but before I do that I want you to know how much I love you, care about you and want to do everything I can to make your life better. Feel free to ask questions--I promise I will answer them." She then told me that she had been told the "rumor" about me doing something to ruin her mother's trust, and asked me what it was. I told her at that point, that it was true, but it wasn't the whole story. I told her I was attracted to men, and some women, and she just nodded her head and said--I can understand that. Then I went through and explained what that meant, and how it was how I was made, and there isn't really anything I can do about it. I explained that I had failed to tell her mother this when we were dating, and then we talked a lot about her Mom, some other factors that were destructive to our marriage, etc.

We talked for at least 15 minutes about all this. Needless to say, I have seldom held her attention so well. It was a good conversation, and a necessary conversation. I asked her to please let me share these things with her sister, and others, and that if she needed to talk about them, she was welcome to talk with her mother.

She hugged me, told me how much she loved me, and things seemed pretty good. I know she'll have some "adjustment" dealing with this, and I have a feeling a boyfriend may learn about this soon when she feels the need to "unload."

I don't know when I'll tell the second one, but I have a feeling it will be tomorrow. A good friend tells me I need to take my time with my sons, as they are younger. Others tell me to just do it, and get it over with.

Each has a different personality, and this will have to be dealt with in a slightly different manner. Age and real understanding also will determine part of this.

All in all, it was positive, and I feel yet "free-er" from the load of living a lie.

Guess what!

2010-06-03T21:10:00.001-07:00

I managed to get my rear end into a size 34 jeans today for the first time since I was 17! Needless to say I bought them. Couldn't resist. 3 years of losing weight, working out like a mad man and spending money to pay for a trainer part of that time. Gee, it worked! I sent a friend a copy of a picture of me from 5 years ago, and one from now, and he couldn't believe the difference. I'd admit, it is amazing.

Sorry, couldn't resist telling the story.

What is real worship?

2010-05-30T19:37:00.001-07:00

What is real worship? Last night I was talking to a friend at the Moho party and he told me about a lesson he had to give once about this topic. Our conversation came down to a crucial issue: Worship isn't sitting in meetings. It isn't having your rear end firmly planted in every possible church meeting you can imagine. It isn't wearing a white shirt, tie, and saying amen at the end of every talk and prayer.

Worship is, however, each of us reaching out to God (divinity) and seeking to be and have more of what that divine force offers us. How you do it is up to you....

Today I went to "traditional worship." Meaning, I sat my way through sacrament. The talks were all about duty and stewardship. Every once in awhile I felt like they strummed the strings of what real worship was. Most of the time I heard words and felt nothing.

I may not be the most spiritual person. Some might call me evil? But my "worship" is just doing things for other people. I gave a family an hour of my time yesterday helping them get their house ready to paint. I slipped someone $80 just because. Today I skipped out on the last 2 church meetings, walked home with a neighbor I dearly love who has a bad back, then went home and cut a whole bunch of irises and took them back to her house. (They smell like grape candy) I went home teaching with a wonderful man to visit a wonderful family who had a really rough week. These were my acts of worship this weekend.

I love the "doing it" part of religion. I love helping people, and making things better for others. I love how I feel, and hopefully how it makes them feel. I really hate the "sitting" part of religion. Not sure I'd make much of a practicioner of meditation.

What's your definition of worship?

Weather's good, and life's good

2010-05-29T15:25:00.000-07:00

It's been a nice week. I've been busy with work, with my "causes" and went on a nice date. All positive things. Spent part of the day in my flower beds enjoying them. Kept out of mischief for the most part, and spent some time learning more about myself in an interesting manner.

My boys come home in a week. Can't wait to see them.

Emotional roller coaster

2010-05-22T16:39:00.001-07:00

I'm feeling so messed up the last couple days. I have no idea why. I just am going through this perpetual loneliness feeling. ie--if I'm not with someone else, I just feel out of it. Can't seem to shake it. I miss my sons, I miss what my ex wife once was to me. I miss having someone to share my life with.

Emotion hits me in waves once in a while. I think I've been avoiding it so long, that it is now taking any opportunity to get even. I was sitting at lunch in the food court yesterday when it hit. Next thing I know I'm on the phone with my mother nearly crying. UGGGH.

Multiple people have told me that I need to learn to like being alone. I don't know how. I hate it. I am quickly learning why people get married on the rebound.

Hope the rest of you are having a better weekend than mine so far.

Why do Newspapers print this stuff?

2010-05-21T06:06:00.000-07:00

My friends, things like this piss me off. Letters to the editor calling us immoral and comparing us to murderers. This letter to the editor appeared in the Provo Daily Herald today.

http://heraldextra.com/news/opinion/mailbag/article_6b5b1556-27bb-5bad-82d8-bdbbd25cff06.html

Take the time to go online and post a comment. Let them know that we will be heard, one way or another.

I believe you do have to register in order to make the comment.

SL trib article about gay teens

2010-05-17T14:40:00.000-07:00

Just was reading the papers, and saw this article. The world has changed amazingly since I was in high school 20 years ago. Back then, unless you lived in San Francisco, you probably would never have come out in high school. Those on the religious right (and I accurately include many of our own faith in that group) would tell you its just another sign of how evil the world is getting.

My belief is changing. I now see it as a sign of enlightenment. A sign that people can be who they really are instead of putting on a life long act. I know many teens won't feel they can, or live in a safe environment. But we've come a long way.

www.sltrib.com/news/ci_1510937 (if this doesn't work, just look to the left on the page it brings up--click the article on LGT teens)

I was having lunch with a fellow today who has adopted a black child (he is as white as snow). He hasn't told his own grandfather because of bigotry. His grandfather, near the end of his life, maybe would not react in a rational manner. His mother insists he keep it to himself, though she loves the child more than any of her "blood" grandchildren. The child is beautiful. Black, and beautiful.

When I was a boy, I gained a "brown" but beautiful sister. It gave me an understanding for how unimportant race, and blood really were in a family. Now I'm gaining an understanding that I never planned on.

I was reading a fellow MOHO blog earlier about another topic which stirred my interest. The topic in my view was whether or not their truly are conditions for feeling the "spirit." The church would say yes, that obedience is the pre-requisite. Experience teaches me that there might be more to it.

For example, what's the fastest way to drive out the "spirit." Simply put, anger. Anger, and negative emotional feelings are really good at it. Inattention to God will do it too, but it seems slower. Fail to pray, fail to be grateful, and soon enough, it fades away. Then comes the tricky ones. Will going on a date with a gay guy drive it away? Will holding his hand? What about kissing him? See where I'm leading....

None of those three sounds terribly serious, does it. You won't get excommunicated for them. Probably nothing serious if you confess them to the Bishop. I just don't believe that any of these things is capable of booting you out of the eligible "spirit" crew. Why not--because love and affection, (when real) feel the same on both sides of the fence. Lust filled sex likely feels the same on both sides too. Fun but empty.

Share your own views. Its a topic worth exploring. Its one I can't help but explore and think about as I try to figure out who I am.

Just wanted to say hi

2010-05-15T10:42:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting inside on a sunny Saturday morning, just wanting to say hi to all of you. I think about you and your lives often. I worry about some of you, I wish I could meet a lot of you. Some of you have made me think beyond my own limits. Some of you have pissed me off (don't worry, its good for me).

So--here's hoping that Saturday brings both wonderful weather and some fun. Tell us all about it, my moho friends.

I love my mother

2010-05-09T10:27:00.001-07:00

Though I'm not sure when she'll ever see this, I'm confident she will someday. (Don't worry, I sent flowers). The baby is my mother, the woman is my grandmother.

Mom, I love you deeply. Just writing that brings tears to my eyes. I recognize that God gave us to each other. He gave me a mother who could truly love unconditionally, and gain understanding as often as truth was presented to her. He gave me a mother who could hug, and put up with tough times. He gave me a mother who could be resourceful and fun. You have always been a great example, even when you were going through the worst of times.

I think he gave me to you because he knew you needed something I had. Someday you'll have to tell me what that is. I know I'm the one that calls, and helps, and pays attention. My siblings would if they had time.

You've done so much for me, and I want you to know I recognize it. When I was overloaded, you helped me unload. Again, and again. You are simply put, a beautiful human being. You devoted your career to helping children who desperately needed you. You taught so many kids to read who other teachers just gave up on. This to me is a beautiful.

I wish I could be with you today. Love,

Your son.

A conventional date, of sorts...

2010-05-08T09:35:00.001-07:00

So last night, in essence, I was on a date with a woman. More de facto than intentional. She's divorced with 3 kids, and was a good friend in college days. She recently ended up back here, and we run into each other once in awhile at the gym.

A couple weeks ago, we were talking, and she told me she and 2 of her sisters regularly went on a movie outing to see chick flicks, etc, and asked me if I wanted to go to cheer me up. I said sure. I admit, I'm gay enough to love chick flicks. (though thats not how I described it to her). So she called me Thursday and asked me if I wanted to go to Ironman, and I told her no problem. In fact--I already had the tickets due to a corporate event. So she, 2 of her sisters, and one husband all came. It was great. We had fun. Felt like old times. We went out to dinner afterwards at a pizza joint which was great.

At points, it felt like a "female" date. She is beautiful, fit, has this olive skin, and dark hair. But, there's no real "attraction." She's not really my type personality wise. She's much more LDS than I could put up with. (Did I really say that) Of course, all my compadre's from work saw me with her, and probably were fast making all kinds of assumptions.

So what did I learn. I learned that just having friends and hanging out is a lot of fun, and should be regularly enjoyed. I learned that no matter how much I want it--attraction isn't something I can just generate with a wave of my magic wand. I can appreciate beauty. I'm pretty good at it. I learned that the path of fitting into society, etc would only be easier until reality steps into play.

I also remembered that I will never, ever deceive a woman again.

Assumptions and how wrong they can be....

2010-05-05T13:43:00.000-07:00

So, picture this story from my life: an old friend--someone you have known 20 years. I met him on an LDS mission when he was assigned as my companion. In those days he was beautiful, fun, and really easy to get along with. We were companions twice (both times I had a serious crush on him). Came back from the mission, arrived at BYU and ran into him a week later and started hanging out as friends, even took some classes together, and became roommates for a year.

He came from a wonderful family, wealth and love combined. When we were roommates, he met and then married a beautiful girl from a similar family. They've been married 16 years by now, and have 3 kids. Great job, doing well financially, living in a great salt lake east bench neighborhood. I assumed life was roses--sometimes thinking--why couldn't my life be like that. I thought he had it all.....

Today i went to lunch with him. I only see him once or twice a year. As we were walking into the restaurant he asked me how things were, and I had to tell him the truth about my marriage ending, wife moving, and things of that sort (though I didn't share the whole story). He said to me--yeah, I know what those kind of problems are like. I looked at him, wondering what he meant.

We got inside, ordered, and he told me that they had had spells of marriage problems throughout their marriage, mostly because they were completely incompatible sexually. He wanted it, she never did. They had saved their marriage once with counseling, but now were back to the same situation.

I was surprised by this, having been through all of it myself. I admitted to him I hated going to church these days, feeling so strange about it, etc.

Then he told me he had been completely inactive for 4 years. His wife longer. He told me about how he never felt any sort of spiritual confirmation of the church, and had lived it just for his family. (mission included). He told me about all his questioning, and how he just couldn't bear to be a hypocrite any more. He was really reluctant to tell me this, but he must have felt like now was the time. He was assuming I would be really disappointed in him, and give him a lecture, or think less of him as a person, and told me as much.

I told him how wrong he was on that assumption. Suddenly realizing how wrong I had been on all my assumptions about his life. We talked quite awhile about all this. We talked about church doctrines on various things, homosexuality included, and how problematic it all was.

Wow. So I sit here this afternoon realizing how difficult life can be for all of us, wondering why on earth God made us all so sexually incompatible. Wondering why many things are the way they are...

So I think back to various BYU days I spent with him, and with a girl that was in love with him. We played, ate out, did some really fun things. The following year he was married. A couple years later I was married, and a year after that this girl was married. Each of us have kids, all three of us ended up in a basically failed marriage. (His wife even told him to go have an affair). the reasons slightly different, but all coming back to some sort of incompatibility.

Good grief. Its a miracle when people make it in marriage--gay or straight. As I think about it, the only really great couples I can think of are perfectly matched in that "sexual way" as well as other ways.

There's my stunning moment of today....

A week of smiles..

2010-05-02T07:48:00.000-07:00

Overall, it was a wonderful week or so. I was able to see my sons, and spend time with them, and my stepdaughters are both home. I went to a great party last night, met a lot of great people this week. Enjoyable times.

I dragged a friend of mine who was graduating from college to the mall and bought him some clothes as a graduation present, which was among the most fun things I did all week. Amazing how giving when combined with shopping can sometimes become fun. At least it was for me.

I really feel like I'm rebuilding life. It's new, interesting, challenging, and full of experiences. Mostly smiles. Hope yours feels the same. Now I just wish it would quit raining for awhile.

Warning--I'll be rambling...

2010-04-18T18:59:00.001-07:00

Pure love may not create pure living. Pure living may not be exactly what we think it is. Is a man who loves a man impure? Is such love even possible? Or is the better question more like this: how could it be impossible for a man to love a man? Love of a man and love of a woman all seem the same at their core. Love: giving without expectation of reward, seeking the best interest of someone else instead of self, honesty & selflessness are inherent in any kind of loving relationship.

Circumscribing people with a framework may be useful, may be necessary, but where does it end? Why should any framework exclude those like me who look and see the opposite.

I have learned that compassion, passion and affection all feel the same when they go between two men as they do when they go between a man and a woman. They can excite, guide, pull and fuse. One type of relationship is not exempt from the power.

If the Savior had a temporal path he hoped each of us to live, then how is it possible for him to seek an exclusion of a "class." A perfect savior is not an exclusionary savior. It could not be. But what is it that makes religions seek to exclude classes? They create a method of appropriate living--a framework of rules, which they call commandments, then seek a society to share their views, or history shows us they seek to create that society.

Can the reality of our existence really be so black and white? Was our savior's love so unlimited, but bounded by this sort of framework?

I guess I am an apostate. I do not feel or share the views imposed by the framework. But I can't deny God his love, or that he is a good seeking diety seeking a better world for his children. This good is felt in so many places, so many faiths, so many spots. As beautiful in a nasty worn-out apartment as on a majestic mountain peak.

I perhaps would have never had my views altered had I not been afflicted (in the LDS view) with Same Sex attraction. I could have marched forward without question or concern. But in life's scheme, I was afflicted (or blessed, depending upon your views) with this, and therefore comes my questions. I want peace, love and joy, but what now?

Dating

2010-04-10T07:39:00.000-07:00

Dating is quite the fabulous game. Sometimes it is exciting, sometimes it drags. It has, to quote someone I know---ebb and flow. This was a week of dating for me. I had nothing else to do other than work, so why not. I had a wonderful time pretty much all the time. People are so different, so fascinating. Some have a desperate need to express themselves, others a need to be touched. Some hide difficult past experiences, others wear them proudly on their sleeves.

I found myself feeling in some ways, like I did years and years ago when I was in the hetero dating game. I guess some things just aren't all that different. The way we relate to people. The way they make us feel. The desire we all have to explore their personalities and life experiences. The different side is of course (for me) a much stronger dose of physical attraction. Looking at their hands and wanting to touch them. Looking (in one case) at gorgeous lips wishing I could kiss them.

So yes boys, I'm not exactly wasting time. Being lonely and alone doesn't really suit me. I still don't know how to reconcile my two lives, perhaps that will come with time. So if any of you go on an awesome date--tell us all about it...

Is it one way or another?

2010-04-06T15:32:00.001-07:00

Choice A: Those of us who are gay just were predestined to be afflicted, no different than being a perpetual single woman, someone who is going to struggle their whole lives with alcoholism. It is our cross to bear--no explanation provided. Everything will be explained in the end at judgement day. Live with it and shut up.

Choice B: There is more to being Gay than it just being an affliction. God made us this way for a reason besides suffering and affliction therapy. We will be better human beings if we embrace it and move forward. God's eternal plan has room in it for us without being destined to the telestial kingdom. We aren't an abomination due to our desires and actions.

Which is it boys? I read your blogs, I see you dealing with this. I'm not convinced that knowing the Book of Mormon is true and that God lives answers the question fully. Some of you have had beautifully spritual confirmations that the truth lies somewhere in between.

Love vs lust and society's push

2010-04-04T08:21:00.001-07:00

So, as I glance at the paper this am, I can see plenty of conference reports. Love vs Lust as a topic seems to be getting plenty of attention. There is a real difference, but frankly, like most things, there is a scale which runs from one end of the spectrum to the other. Without some lust, human beings would have been an endangered species long ago. I'm not sure black and white is the perfect way to describe the two. You are welcome to disagree.

I've been thinking a lot lately about society's push against those of us who are gay. For centuries, society has pushed us into dark corners. To some extent, some things never change. Today is no different. When a young man is growing up, there is no easy appropriate outlet for these feelings, especially in a heavily religous environment. He can't just ask someone out in class without risking life and limb.

College can be better, but not for those of us who were BYU students. So, I'm afraid that I'd say there is a natural consequence. The internet is the tool. Pornography is very easy to come by, and of course there is Craigslist providing "hookups." About a year ago I had a conversation with a really nice fellow (Gay, RM, now living with his partner) who told me how his life changed when he and his partner got together. He pointed out how the desire for porn, and hookups just faded away. Seems rather logical, that love has replaced lust in those circumstances.

If society denies the ability to freely love, and to freely seek love to a group--the group will probably turn to the false alternative, which is unfortunately lust. I'm not trying to say that each of us can't do our best to choose the better--but I am a pretty pragmatic person, and I can see the writing on the wall.

Morning of change

2010-04-03T11:11:00.000-07:00

Its a morning of change, and no I'm not referring to some noteworthy repentance caused by general conference. I'm being a lame Mormon today, and I haven't even turned it on. This morning my kids left to go live with their Mom for a couple months. They'll be back in June. Its been coming for awhile, and things were prepared. Emotionally, it was hard to let go of my youngest when giving him the last hug and kiss. It was time for them though. They have been Mom deprived for too long. I hope and pray she is ready.

One of them (step-child, junior in high school) will be back next weekend. This will literally be the first time in my memory I will have lived alone for more than a day or two. New experiences. So far, I haven't exactly lived it up going crazy. All I've done is clean, clean, clean the house, throw away junk, and start laundry. The house is sure quiet.

I feel like taking off for a warmer climate and having a really fun weekend. Probably won't happen.

Homophobic Conversation

2010-03-31T15:52:00.000-07:00

So I was at lunch today with the "work" gang. Guys I know and like. Somehow, the topic got on gay guys, and Ricky Martin. Immediately, one of them starts spouting all these nasty phrases, etc. Some of the others just chuckled along, others were silent.

I kept thinking--the whole time--if you boys only knew who you were sitting with. My oh my, they sure didn't make me want to share......

Funny thing is, I think one of them might be a closet case like unto myself.

ha.

Thanks to Scott and Sarah

2010-03-28T08:54:00.001-07:00

Just a note to say thank you to Scott and Sarah for hosting the moho party last night. There is a first for everything, and it was my first. I didn't have people to go with, but I just wasn't in the mood to let that stop me. Thanks to the built in babysitter, I had no excuses. Knocking on their door, (I confess) felt like knocking on the first door on my mission. I could feel the blood pressure soaring. But I had a great time, enjoyed it thoroughly. I think I needed something like that. It was really wonderful to meet all those people who figuratively wore my shoes. They come in all sorts of shapes sizes and ages, with all sorts of life experiences. Perhaps that is the most interesting part.

Thanks again.

Latest

2010-03-25T10:19:00.000-07:00

So, my mother and I had another conversation last night. She and I think alike in a lot of ways. We talked about people who can only see the world in black and white, and how difficult they are to deal with. She told me that after she joined the LDS Church (in her 30's) it was a while before she really understood that the church considers itself to be the only true church. She was shocked when she heard it. She asked herself, and evidently God why there were all these churches once, and the answer that immediately came streaming into her mind was --because there are so many kinds of people.

My Mother usually lives back in the midwest, and has a home teacher who kind of drives me nuts. Good teacher, but one of those extreme black and white folks who drove his family and children nuts. She calls him "black and white Bob." To be honest, these are my least favorite kind of people in the church, and outside of the church (in politics for example).

So she and I have this really nice conversation, and awhile later, when I was hoping to chat with one of our fellow Moho's, I hear a knock on my door, and its the home teacher, and the EQ presidente. Nice men, but why then. Some would tell me--to keep me on the straight and narrow. We talked a bit, but my kids were there, and I didn't say a lot, other than explaining that church was emotionally difficult for me right now, and I hoped neither one of them ever had to understand what I was going through. I didn't share with them that going to priesthood was my absolute least favorite activity possible.

Interestingly, while we were talking--the topic of the Earthquake in Chile came up. One of these men is from there, and he talked about it some. He said something to this effect: Well, you know that the Church is building a temple in Concepcion, so the Lord is just doing a little "cleansing."

I didn't reply, but I will here. I don't believe in a God that "cleanses" in this manner. I don't believe he uses violence, etc to harm people's lives in order to further some particular purposes. Yes, I'm admitting I have a hard time accepting Noah's ark, and the fact that he really wanted the israelites to massacre hundreds of thousands of people in order to take over the Land for Israel.

Well, is the Lord ready to cleanse me off this earth? Have I no purpose in his plans and no potential for good because I am a homosexual man?

Sorry--I just can't believe that. He either loves us or he doesn't.

Coming out to my Mother

2010-03-15T10:29:00.000-07:00

I'm a lucky guy. God knew what I needed in a mother, and he gave it to me. This has been shown to me multiple times in this life. Yesterday was no exception.

My mother comes out to Utah often, and she has been staying with my kids while I was on a vacation. I came home a few days ago, and yesterday was Sunday, and we all went to church. The topic for Gospel Doctrine was Eternal Marriage. From the moment I read it on the board, I was worried. After about 15 minutes of it, I'd had my emotional fill. It's just really hard to listen to someone teach a lesson about how life should be, and how we are all meant for this and that. The teacher is a wonderful human being, as are most of those there. So, I got up and started leaving. Mom asked me where I was going, and I told her "home." Then I walked out.

Walking home--I was again a mess, but less so than previously. I got home, and started cooking Sunday dinner. After about 30 minutes, my Mom comes in the front door, much as I had anticipated she would. I told her I just couldn't take listening to that kind of lesson right now, and she understood, she understood really well, having gone through divorce. She told me there were periods of time she just couldn't even go to church.

Suddenly, it all came out. I told her that it was especially hard when you have a built in problem, then admitted I was gay. She couldn't quite believe it at first, given that I was married and have kids, but then the wheels of memory started spinning and she remembered some of my Obviously Gay traits of childhood. We talked quite awhile, I tried to explain it, and then we got interrupted.

Later we went for a walk and went through more of it. I think she finds it hard to put herself in my shoes. She told me I needed to find another church and move at one point. We also talked about whether I was "bi" or Gay, and I tried to describe the spectrum. She really got it, hugged me like there was no tomorrow, and expressed her love in perfectly straight forward language. She gave no lectures, didn't sob uncontrollably or anything of the sort. She told me about a friend of my sister's who she knows is Gay.

She asked some questions I couldn't answer--and I told her about my inability to reconcile parts of the gospel with being Gay. She understood that.

I'm a lucky boy. I love her, and she cherishes me, no matter what. I wish all LDS men who had to come out to a parent had it this easy.

Vacation comes, thank heavens.

2010-03-05T10:32:00.000-08:00

I'm leaving tomorrow am for a tropical paradise for 5 days. Sound fun! You bet. I need relaxation, diversion, and anything besides too much of the current.

I spent last night reading 2 books--In Quiet Desperation, and the latest one by Carol ??? about circling the wagons. Didn't finish either one yet, but sure noticed a different tone and feel to each one.

I read more of In Quiet Desperation. So horrifying. Stuart Matis was so driven to personal perfection it drove him to his death. Awful. His parents, who wrote the book--would seem (and I've never met them or gone to a fireside of theirs) like extremely spiritual LDS folks who got to learn a hard, hard lesson. As I read the book, the further I got in it, it almost hurt. The feeling that "you've got to just finish surviving this life" was really awful. An LDS quest for perfection rings through the whole book. I read some of the writings by LDS men, and of course, they were pretty much selected to provide that kind of view.

Then I read the first part of the other book--No more Goodbyes is the title. Different feeling, and a different sort of view. Emotional as well--it had me almost crying at one point, but much more of a hopeful feeling.

I just don't know that I want to live a long life empty of affection, attention, and physical intimacy. Not even sure I could.

Could I remarry a woman? I don't know. It took me 27 years to get the first one. I couldn't enter a relationship like that without a lot of fear. Intimacy not a problem, but there is no end in this life to attractions, and a relationship with a woman will not satisfy all of them. Honesty would be a pre-requisite, and I see most women running from me if they knew the truth.

I don't know anything about a relationship with a man that isn't just a friend or relative, or co-worker.

My Mother is here at my house now--going to be watching my kids. I bought these books, because I feel sort of ready to tell her. Coming out to the first family member. I fear the burden it will throw on her. I don't fear the reaction nearly as much. I will probably give her the books, or at least one of them.

Did any of you give those books to a relative? How did it go--did it make any difference?

On we go in this big adventure

2010-03-02T12:41:00.000-08:00

Sunday was interesting, and not because of lessons at church. At 9 or so, the movers I hired showed up to haul out all the boxes (56) and furniture my STBFS (soon-to-be-former-spouse) decided to take with her. They were pretty quick, and I think they were finished in about 2 1/2 hours. A few hitches, but nothing too dramatic. Nice to watch, and not have to do. Money is useful folks. The kids seemed pretty good during this phase. Furry animal was going nuts for awhile.

And of course, within 2 hours of that moving van showing up in front of my house, the EQ presidente stopped by to see what was going on. Ugh. Explaining this whole thing--in full, or partial detail is not enjoyable. Listening to, and receiving those "looks" is worse. But hey--he was doing his job.

By noon, someone else came over with a bunch of yummy leftover food from a mission farewell reception, and the home teachers made it over in the evening. I had zero desire to go to church and have to explain this a million times, or be the recipient of all those "looks." Information travels at the speed of sound (at least) through an LDS ward. So--I spent most of the afternoon cleaning the house. It needed it after this was over. There seemed to be a lot to put away, and you could see furry pet hair everywhere. Remarkable how empty a house can seem once half the pics are gone, and some of the furniture. Too empty, but sure looks big.

Once the STBFS left in mid afternoon, kids were sad, of course, but pretty calm. I took them out for Ice Cream at Baskin Robbins. Certain foods have a remarkable ability to console us.

Life is a little harder now, more to do, and less time. Babysitter will have to help more. I have to cook more, and need to be careful about what I serve in terms of portions and food groups. I've moved various items around, including pic's and stuff to try to make things seem less empty. I'll have to just buy a fair amount of replacement "stuff."

I feel pretty good, and actually am ready to move on. Just hoping to make this as easy as possible on my children.

Boxes, boxes, boxes.

2010-02-27T06:35:00.001-08:00

The boxes are everywhere. Piled all over the living room, computer room, and other rooms. Packed and pretty much ready to go. She and I have battled about kids, but not about stuff. Stuff is easy, kids are not. I feel no desire to be cruel, vengeful, spiteful, or anything like it. I don't know where my life will go from here, but tomorrow morning she will leave, along with a whole lot of stuff.

The house will be much more empty, my bed too, and my kids are going to miss her until they see her again. My mood is generally good, though I find myself experiencing ups and downs more than usual. My friends are kind of swarming around me. Got the first call from a ward member yesterday who I believe found out through some neighbor kids. Oh my. I don't want to go to church on Sunday.

Gentlemen--I have only one major regret and I will make my "stern" warning once again. Be honest with yourself and anyone you are seriously dating. Marrying someone who doesn't know you are gay (or partly so) is a big, big mistake. Deceit will not bring you happiness, a "cure" or anything of the sort. It will affect their lives in a harsh way. Eyes wide open is the only way to enter into a heterosexual marriage, and even then, there are no guarantees of success.

Here's to life, book 2...

Why did I marry her?

2010-02-18T13:39:00.000-08:00

After reading Mister Curie's post, I feel like I need to ask this question, and thoroughly answer it myself. Why did I marry my wife? What was it that made me feel it was the right move.

During the 4 years before we met, I was a BYU student going to a BYU ward. I knew I had attractions towards men, but I had thoroughly repressed them for a long time. Still, a hot guy could turn me on, and I knew it. I had dated (badly) during those years several girls looking for whatever I thought it was I needed. I could hardly hold their hands out of "fear" that the LDS interpretation of the gospel puts into you. I had sat through Church Disciplinary Councils (not my own) which enlarged the fear.

I felt less than ideal as a dating prospect. I was overweight, had these attractions, and had been rejected a few times for more serious relationships. BYU is good at putting that feeling in you, due to SSA, and the quality of the competition. Its filled with beautiful, good looking young men, many of whom have a lot to offer.

So when I met my wife, she was divorced, struggling financially, with kids. She was really quiet. We met in a setting where a bunch of older gals knew me well, and I saw them once a week while volunteering. Like all Provo folks, they felt it their duty to guide single young people together. I can't fault them a bit. So, they started pushing. At first, I just sort of ignored it. Then my wife started getting friendlier, and had the guts to ask me out---sort of. So I went, got to know her, and built a friendship with her. Soon we were dating, etc. Though she was and is beautiful, I didn't feel that same intimidation in dating that I had felt before. She had baggage....

That "baggage" eliminated that reluctance on my part. I was in my 20's and still generally horny enough to want "it." Friendship first, dating started, then attraction kind of began, to some degree. Plenty for me. It was new, exciting, and gave me something I hadn't had for 7 years--a girlfriend. My family wasn't thrilled, and maybe I should have listened--but thats not the way the cookie has crumbled.

Attraction grew with the fun, and she really came out of her shell. I was falling in love, and so was she. Put two people like this together long enough, and you'll likely see a result. I was going to get everything I was supposed to get. So it happened.

There have been wonderful times, great memories, along with the tough ones. I'll never say marrying her was a mistake. it gave me so much. It gave her so much. Frankly, we just needed eachother at this point in our lives. Things change though...

Another topic: Yesterday I learned that I hate being in the closet. I hate that I have to hide my attractions and desires, and that society pushes us deep into closets because we don't meet their criteria. Why can't we all just accept eachother for what we are?

Children issues

2010-02-17T04:35:00.000-08:00

She's leaving March 3rd. Now the "negotiation" begins about kids and "stuff." Woke up at 4 am and couldn't sleep anymore. They'll stay with me at least until the school year ends.

The thought of any empty house is kind of haunting. The last thing I want is to do something that hurts them, or their future. Depriving them of either of us isn't going to benefit anyone. But, one of us is going to be school year parent, and the other is going to be summer and the other will be the vacation parent. Living in different states will require that.

The last thing I want: legal battles. Too much experience in that arena with her ex. She feels the same way.

We both agreed the 17 year old will choose whatever they want. The younger pair will be the hard ones. My thinking is that frankly, I'm the better parent, and "here" is where I'll be and "here" is home, and has been. She has "left" before, and is doing it again. I haven't seen her being really parental in the last 3 years. Do I think she could? Yes, I've seen it before.

So I was talking with a friend at work, and he lived through this sort of situation. Mom was the base parent, Dad was vacation parent. He mentioned that he really felt like young kids need Mom more, and Older kids need Dad more. There was some sense in what he was saying, and I know my youngest prefers Mommy at this point.

I could have a lot of fun with them being vacation parent, but wow I feel like I'd be giving up so much of their lives. Other than a few hotel rooms for very short periods of time, I haven't lived alone ever. I went from home to college dorm with roommate, then mission, then back to college with roommates, then marriage. It would be a new experience.

Should I play the hard line? I'm not sure I have it in me. She's not crazy, psycho, and wouldn't neglect them, but I don't know if that means she should have them.

I really don't want them separated, though it doesn't matter so much with the 17 year old.

Give me input. I'm in listening mode.

I felt like the complete mormon failure...

2010-02-14T18:52:00.000-08:00

I haven't cried so hard in my entire adult life. Got your attention?? Yes, it was an awful day. Not because of bad weather, bad food, terrible news or much of anything. Just plain emotional meltdown.

You see, Valentines day in my household was a fraud. Meaning, there isn't a single card or gift in the house that wasn't brought here by my elementary school aged sons. The day progressed as expected--get up, fix family breakfast, took the dog for a long walk (sun was shining, I couldn't resist), come back, shower, shave, brush teeth, get dressed (with pink tie and navy suit) then read a book for awhile. Had a long debate with my 9 year old about why church is good for him, and worthwhile, and of course why we wear "church clothes." He was having a rough time of it and let me know. Then off to church we went.

We actually got there in time, and I'll admit I'd been dreading it all day. Some of you understand perfectly well what I'm talking about. Sacrament talks begin. My wife and I sitting on opposite ends of our family. The two main speakers were a beautiful young couple, married a whole 14 months or so. She starts, he finishes. Shall we say Love is in the air? The talks are all about loving our family, charity, being perfect wife, and perfect husband. Quotes of this, quotes of that, scriptures any RM could recite. By the time they finish, I'm feeling like an evil demon from hell. My mind swirling with every mistake I've ever made in marriage. Then, the Bishop and Stake president give their brief little comments. My mood just deteriorated. I open the hymnal to the final hymn and saw it was something about rejoicing. I snapped it shut and put the hymnal back. Tears flowing down my face, my throat aching. Kids climb over us to leave for Sunday School, I stand up and wait for my wife to gather her things.

We break into the flow and head out of the chapel. Someone tries to say hello, I croaked some sort of reply, and had I could, I'd have run out the door of the building. Lets just say I hustled. My wife, now behind me, says--"don't you want to stay for anything else." My reply, as the sobbing began: "I've had all I can take for one day." I walked as fast as I could home, literally losing it more with each step. Ran into the bathroom, slammed the door, locked it, and sat down on the porcelain throne and cried like I haven't for ages. I felt the pressure of failure--failing in a quest to be this great Mormon father/husband. You see, I'll feel guilty enough for the mistakes I made in marriage. I can easily identify them, and so can my wife. But what I feel worst about is the lie of deception--not telling the truth to her from the beginning. I heard her come in the door, and she can hear me at this point. Thank God my children weren't home. She begs me to open the door and let her give me a hug. Finally I did. I held her for just a moment like we used to. My mind just raced with the thought--why, oh why was the deck stacked against us. All I could say was "This life is hell." She completely agreed.

It wasn't over, the emotion wasn't all spent. I wiped myself off, and then had to go outside. I needed it--didn't need someone watching me. I went out in the back yard, and it went on, and on. Nature finally calmed me down. Green grass peeking up, the bark on trees I planted, bulbs showing a little green. Plus--I've only got so much of it in me. Came back in, changed out of church clothes, lay down on the bed, then got up and went back to living life.

So there you have it, most depressing moment of 2010. (Hopefully) I have a feeling some of you have had them too.

I wonder...

2010-02-13T14:14:00.001-08:00

I have lived in the same neighborhood for quite a while, and know a lot of folks here. One of the families has two sons who I've always wondered about. Of course I know them from church, and the boys were always around. Both are a little effeminate, one more than the other. Both fall under the "cute" tag. One more than the other. Years ago I "wondered." Son number one went on a mission, now at BYU, wants to go to medical school. Still not married.

I saw their Mom today at the mall, and she loves to talk. I asked how her boys were doing, and she gave me the update. No impending marriages, no girlfriends mentioned. Younger son is in last year of high school, more effeminate than the older brother. She told me he was applying to a design school in New York. Bells went off in my head. This is a pretty devout LDS family, but has always been wonderful to me and my family. I fear for those boys and what they might be going through. It is one of those situations where you wish you could read minds, and somehow, prevent the hurt which will come if what I suspect is true.

It got me thinking about that study that found younger brothers more likely to be gay. Of course, that is me. I know one family who has two lesbian daughters.

Ever known anyone who had this experience in their family?

I don't know how to label this

2010-02-08T18:06:00.000-08:00

Today is a day I won't soon forget. Morning began as normal, didn't stay that way. One thing led to another, and I was crying, writing an email to my wife, asking her to tell me what she wanted. It wasn't a real, real short email. Her choice--leave, stay or give her more time. She wants the first. She'll never trust me again, no matter whether or not she loves me, which she says she does.

So, the die is cast. It was actually cast long, long ago, when we were dating, and she asked me a real long question wanting to know everything I'd ever done--so to speak. I answered, and omitted all pre-baptism stuff. I knew at the time I could have told her then, but didn't. I deceived her about who I was.

So boys and girls, it doesn't take a juicy exciting affair to wreck a marriage. If so, I sure missed the boat. You don't even have to do much of anything. You don't even have to tell a lie--you can just omit something. In otherwords, a lie of omission.

I'm guilty. I built a house on the sand, and it is falling. Today that mystery ending was basically written. I don't think much will change that now.

The story is much longer, much more complex, and involves far more, but this is what it all boils down to.

I feel terrible tonight.

My first crush

2010-02-02T19:25:00.000-08:00

The suggested theme of the month is to tell about your first crush. I'm pretty sure I know who that is. He grew up in the same town as me, but was 2 years older. He and my brother were good friends in high school, and he was over at my house a lot. He and I played the same instrument in band and jazz band, so I spent a LOT of time sitting next to him. He was, in a lot of ways, everything a teenage guy wishes to be. Good looking, sexy, well hung, outgoing and athletic. Great, supportive parents, etc. He was one of those people everybody liked. Homecoming King, dated the hottest girl in school, etc.

He was always nice to me, and I realize now, that I loved the time I spent in his company/presence. I didn't realize it was a crush then, but like so many other things, I do now. I was surprised a couple years ago to see him again. He was out here on business training, and through facebook, we planned to get together. I had supper with him, and gave him the royal tour of the area. Anyone from the midwest loves this area. He isn't nearly as good looking now as he was then (age adds weight in lousy locations). He's happily married, with 2 kids.

Another post about "Latter Days"

2010-02-01T13:25:00.000-08:00

So over the weekend I watched the movie "Latter Days." Wow is something like that fascinating when you've felt both perspectives. As I watched the reactions of variouss missionaries and members to the Elder's SSA, I was horrified. I don't really believe too many members post Gordon B Hinckley's talk in conference would say some of those things, and of course, you'd probably never see an excommunication in this day and age just for being Gay. The behaviour of those Elders though--I could picture easily. I also know ( having once been a missionary) that I never would have answered the questions in the discussion in quite that direct, forceful manner.

It is a nice romance, and pretty sensual/intense. Most of you have already seen it, so (SPOILER ALERT) what interested me most was the ending. I was really surprised what I felt. I felt the heart beating in my chest, warm, and felt the expression of love. Yes boys and girls, it felt like the spirit telling me something. I'll even admit I had a bit of an ah/ha moment about my own marriage at that moment.

I really don't believe the movie is too kind to the church, or accurately reflects how most Latter Day Saints would react. It does however reflect how they have acted both individually and institutionally in the past. But that wasn't too much different than many conservative sects.

Since most of you have seen it, I'd like to feel your thoughts, read them. What did you feel? What did you see? Were errors in the portrayal of the institution distracting?

I've sat through disciplinary councils (thankfully not my own) and what I saw portrayed was not what happens. Though the Elder's rebuttal was certainly apropos.

Choice

2010-01-28T14:00:00.000-08:00

Several months ago I gave my wife a bequest of sorts to pay for a counselor to deal with her PTSD. I left it in her hands, and waited. Yesterday I asked her if she still had the money. The answer is no. She spent it on credit card payments. I thought (before this conversation) that I would be mad if that was the answer, but I'm not really mad, just disappointed. She said she'll have to pay for it herself. I didn't have much to say to her afterwards. I didn't know what to say. "Gee--don't you think you could have put our marriage first?" or "Funny how you found money to buy a fancy bike, go to all sorts of marathons, etc." But I didn't feel anger, or the desire to rub her face in it. What good would it do?

I wonder...

2010-01-16T09:18:00.000-08:00

When your wife writes on facebook that she is making difficult decisions, but doesn't define them--perhaps it is time to worry. Especially when the only job she has been offered is 6 hours away, and she grows more frantic by the day about it. Unhappy, stressed and depressed are the three words I would use to describe her. Thursday she woke up with a brand new troubling health problem. She has had more than her share of problems lately--and it is visible.

My son gripes about her being so grumpy. I stayed away from home for 2 hours intentionally yesterday so I wouldn't have to be around it. I can't fix it, I can't solve it.

Does having a sex change mean you lose your soul?

2010-01-10T10:17:00.000-08:00

http://www.desmoinesregister.com/article/20100110/NEWS/1100335/Searching-their-souls-Can-church-include-transgendered?&GID=u0oafakgW5oE+lpX9d4M1wvIf43C2qab+JvtdxmJ8qQ%3D

What now..

2010-01-04T15:52:00.000-08:00

The holidays are over. (good) My wife is home, pre-occupied, and as un-happy as ever. Will it ever change? I am happily back at work. Funny to write that. Thanks to an injury, I did nothing for the last 5 days except read books and watch movies. Couldn't exercise or go to the gym, which is a blessing of sorts. Less temptation. Went to church, felt the spirit, happily. I literally felt like I should pick up my family, move and start over. I even looked online for neat places to live and houses. But of course it just isn't that simple, is it....

Ever felt like this--tell us about it.

What do you want for Christmas?

2009-12-25T13:26:00.000-08:00

Merry Christmas to all. It is a quiet one, the kids are all either playing with new toys or napping. Yesterday was a great day, with extended family. My dramatic life continues, in multiple ways. My wife is off on a very unpleasant trek spending time with a dying parent. It must be pure misery. She is far from home, and the kids all miss her. I miss her too, and she might miss me. We talked yesterday morning, and she told me the latest rough news. When we wrapped up the conversation, I told her I loved her (which is true, in some imperfect form) and she said nothing except "bye." Emotionally, I don't think I'm her spouse. I think I'm the "backup." Give the support, give the money, take care of the kids, but nothing more. Went to a great romantic movie with her last weekend, but there's no romance coming my way.

I'm so far from understanding her or this whole situation. As I look back at the past year, I'd probably just say I'm glad its over. 6 horrible months financially followed by 6 great months, relatively speaking. 9 months of having her here in the house, 3 months of her absence. No improvement whatsoever in our relationship. I don't feel like I've made any progress if you define progress by the church's definitions. My testimony is still weak at best. I still feel weak at best. Loneliness is a bitter pill to swallow for one who isn't used to it.

I admire those of you who are married, and happily so (in some fashion). I admire that your wives still love you, desire you and you are still in real families. I've really enjoyed reading things you write, and experiences you share.

Remember the song "all i want for Christmas is my two front teeth?" This Christmas I'm thinking--"all I want for Christmas is to be able to rewind the last 3 years of my life and re-record them."

Topic of the month

2009-12-17T09:15:00.000-08:00

So the question of the month is sort of a "when did I first know." Well, thinking back, I knew by the time I was 12. My father had a stash of naughty magazines hidden up in his closet that I found. The one I liked the most had a visual of a man and a woman. You can all imagine which one drew my interest. I still had and have some attraction for women, but I knew that I was abnormal by this point.

Thanksgiving

2009-11-21T12:55:00.001-08:00

Since we are entering the week of Thanksgiving, I'll give mine.

Things I'm thankful for:

1. My children, and all the fun they bring to my life.
2. My wife, despite our troubles.
3. My parents and their love.
4. My work and the freedom it gives me.
5. My extended family, their great heritage and the fun they are when together.
6. Trees, grass, flowers and all things green (except algae in my favorite lake maybe)
7. My wonderful home, and the great people that live around me.
8. The joy it gives me to know we aren't alone in the Universe, that there is a God.
9. The happiness I have felt at times when he told me he was there.
10. Living in an age of electricity, computers, cars, air conditioning and in a place where we have so much to be thankful for.

Feeling weak

2009-11-19T15:25:00.000-08:00

I'm feeling morally weak boys. You all know what I mean. Hopefully my wife's impending return in 5 days will help get me back on track somewhat. I just want "men" so much it is annoying.

Watched glee with my mother last night, tried to explain it to her. At 67, she's a little slow to grasp certain things.

Went to a meeting today with a co-worker. Nice guy and ambitious. As we talked in the car, he told me about his gay brother in law. The man was caught by his wife looking at naughty gay pictures, and she told him that if he quit, they would stay together. Later, she caught him again, and ended their marriage. He went off to have more fun, then settled down with a nice fellow that the family seems to like. Has 3 kids from his marriage. I'd love to talk to him, know what he went through. Anyone know someone like that in Utah?

I laughed, and relived part of my life

2009-11-16T10:49:00.000-08:00

You are asking why--because I watched the first 5 episodes of Glee online last night. I loved it. I was feeling back in the groove of "Swing Choir" from my high school days. Wish I could sing like the TV stars. Great show, fun to have a Gay character in it, and well thought out characters with funky quirks.

Funny how music lets it all hang out. I miss those days sometime, and perhaps it would do my soul good to get back into it.

My mother asked me if I was depressed

2009-11-12T19:35:00.000-08:00

Doesn't that sound awful. She said I was awfully quick to get grouchy, and thought I was tired a lot. You see, I'm not a guy who gets "depressed, as in clinically." But, I know I've been sort of just dissatisfied with life. My marriage is bunked up, and I keep asking myself the question: is this all there is? I keep imagining my life going on as is, and it just isn't terribly exciting.

I've learned many things, and some of them were hard to learn. To learn that your religion doesn't really have every answer out there, and that there are things that are unfortunately quite pertinent to my own situation that have no resolution hasn't been much fun.

The bishop cornered me at a cub scout event and asked me why I wasn't coming to priesthood. I had no good answer, and committed to going. I'd rather never go again to be honest. Somehow listening to some inevitably terribly taught lesson just isn't too exciting. He told me that people notice what I do, and that they look to me as an anchor. Boy, I sure haven't felt like much of an anchor lately. Drifting without one perhaps, but an anchor??

The event I was at was fun--my son won it... Quite the affirmation of my skills of craftsmanship I thought.

Stranger at the Gate

2009-11-01T05:33:00.000-08:00

I just finished a book that I could recommend to all of you. It is called Stranger at the Gate: to be Gay and Christian in America. The author is Mel White. It is literally the story of his life, from childhood to the 1990's which is a 50 year time span. He grew up in this very religious born again society, became a minister, filmmaker for the religious right, and a "ghost writer" for all sorts of ministers, etc.

When you read the book, you feel his pain. You'll see the similarities to what Gay mormons feel and deal with in Church. The story is so similar.... The book isn't like anything I had ever read before. I bought it at a Barnes and Noble in Salt Lake one day when I was up there.

You see the man's journey from despising himself to accepting, and loving himself. You see the blessings and the troubles.

Worth the read my friends. Don't expect it not to make you wonder if the LDS Church is making some of the same mistakes the religious right made/makes.

One particularly poignant part of the book tells the story of how Gay Germans were treated in the Holocaust. That alone is worth the read.

Bishop says

2009-10-29T10:54:00.000-07:00

I talked to my bishop last night about my marriage and SSA issues. He was kind, and loving, just like a bishop should be. He pointed out to me that I need to move forward towards my own salvation no matter what my wife chooses. I admitted to the crisis of faith, or whatever you want to call it that I've been going through, and told him what it was like.

His encouragement--get myself temple worthy again, so I can go to the temple and receive guidance from the Lord in a place that Satan can't be. Or as he put it, you won't get motion or answers without effort. In otherwords, sort of a get your butt moving.

7 days gay free, well almost...

2009-10-21T20:34:00.000-07:00

About a week ago, I felt like I was over the edge--too likely to make a big mistake, or do something I would regret. I decided to take a week off from all blogs and other things. The first two days were hard, the rest weren't. I just had too many other things to do, and didn't miss it. I felt like I was calming down somewhat, and church wasn't quite as rough as it has been.

But of course, I knew all along, that the "affliction" wasn't gone, nor over. It isn't going away, and won't be over any time soon. Men still turned me on at the gym, and I still enjoy looking at them. I did realize during all this that what I crave most perhaps is human affection and the touch of love.

I don't know where life is going, and I don't know what to do. One day at a time, taking a few steps forward. My very best wishes to each of you who are in the same shoes.

Good boy day...

2009-10-11T20:09:00.000-07:00

Today I got up, made breakfast for the tribe, walked the dog, got showered, dragged the kids to church, and listened. I listened quite carefully to the testiomonies, and went to Sunday School. I managed to even read a few conference talks online. By the time that was done, I felt like life was just one long endless rotten experience.

I sort of found myself feeling "down" thinking about this LDS view that life is just the endless search for perfection. Fun? Whats that. Affection--not for you boy. Joy? not sure it is more than a concept... My kids just mean endless cries of "DAD" complaints about this that and something else, expenses that don't end, and the occasional smiles you see when they aren't bawling.

So I gave up, and took a nap. Real dramatic, huh. Well, thats about all the energy I had in me to deal with what the gospel was dishing out. I read the talk on love, and the talk on "law" given by members of the twelve in the Saturday meetings. I just wasn't uplifted. Somehow, I wonder why they let lawyers be general authorities.... Amazing how hopeless it made me feel.

What a "strict constructionist" means to you...

2009-10-08T21:03:00.001-07:00

Tonight I was invited to a neighbors house for a special gathering. These neighbors are wonderful beautiful people, so nothing I'm going to write has much to do with them. The gathering was to listen to a guest speaker (with a rather "famous" mormon genealogy) who happens to be an attorney of constitutional law. He's highly republican to say the least.

He is what you call a strict constructionist in terms of the U.S. Constitution. He basically believes that FDR was the devil and our government has no legitimate authority to do most of what it does. His view--states were supposed to hold the power, and the federal government basically shouldn't do anything that isn't expressly stated in Article 1 section 8--which is pretty limited. The whole time I was there, my blood pressure was rising. I quickly realized that this extremist view, had it been followed would mean the following:

1. There would be no social security administration.
2. No medicare
3. No Medicaid
4. No NASA or space program
5. No Environmental Protection Agency
6. No Clean Water Act
7. No laws to prevent child labor.
8. No laws for a minimum wage.
9. No such thing as the Occupational Health & Safety administration (OSHA)
10. No National Parks, no national monuments.
11. No FDIC, or Securities and Exchange Commission.
12. And of course, all sorts of things Republicans love to hate, like welfare.
13. No direct election of our U.S. Senate.

So when asked how he would deal with eliminating Soc Security and Medicare--he still claimed they needed to be phased out. The guy is going to run for the U.S. Senate in 2 years I think. He was in essence trying to build support in Utah County, the holy grail of extreme conservatives.

We all know our federal government has flaws, many of its laws need a lot of refinement, and waste is all over the place. But how does he find a way to "hate" all the things I've mentioned above. My memory of history (which is pretty good) reminds me that FDR inherited 33% unemployment, rampant bank failures, and literally faced the possibility of economic collapse. What on earth was he supposed to do, just let endless numbers of people die from starvation?

Extreme Mormon Republicans love to ignore the fact that a pure, unregulated capitalist system is a cruel animal, which takes no prisoners. Read a history of the U.S. Stock market in the 1920's and you'll see what I'm talking about. Had we allowed the "old" system to continue, our government would not have survived. Communism or socialism would have taken over completely.

Our Constitution has survived due to its ability to be amended, and in essence, allow our government to change with the times. It is a beautiful document, but anyone who claims it was not flawed is a fool and hasn't read the original document, which perpetuated slavery, denied the vote to women, etc.,etc.

Wow--I got my dander up. As I walked out, a was chatting with a neighbor (retired school teacher) who was as horrified as me.

Forgive me the non-gay issue. Just had to unload my feelings.

Book of Mormon

2009-10-04T21:31:00.000-07:00

So I missed all of conference, and after looking at facebook, I thought I'd watch this powerful talk everyone was talking about by Elder Holland. It was powerful, and it was a solid reminder that I believe the Book of Mormon is the word of God. He said something that struck me--that those that leave the church have to walk around, under or over the Book of Mormon. Well said, and it is one of those things I don't doubt.

Oh how I wish I could reconcile the rest so easily. And hear the real story as to why God seems to have decided to inflict homosexual desires on all of us, and what he really wants us to do or not do about it. But I think I need to hear it from him at this point. Hope all of you are well.

An Experience

2009-09-16T09:52:00.000-07:00

Last night I had quite the gathering at my house. Friends all involved in a cause that we cared about. The group ranged from a Stake President to an ex-mormon, openly gay man (not myself). Interesting experience. Everyone cared about eachother, everyone felt worthy to be there, love was present, concern was there.

It was one of those wonderful experiences that made me think all of us on this earth could possibly live in peace and happiness someday.

Hope all of you are having a great week and life is treating you well.

Meeting a friend

2009-09-10T05:00:00.000-07:00

I spent yesterday evening talking (and nothing else) with a gay man. Kind, enjoyable and great to talk to. I knew he was gay because of a friend, and finally admitted it to him, then confessed my own same sex attraction. Somehow, life just gets easier when I can tell people the truth without fear.

He's a ex mormon, meaning he has left the church. He served a mission, and told me he about had a nervous breakdown in the MTC. All the guilt preaching they do there.... He fell in love with most of his missionary companions, and knew he was gay in 2nd grade. He has had one long relationship with a man, which ended a few years ago.

His view of the church is that it is a mild cult. He told me about a book he read which identified the characteristics of a cult--and it fit the bill. If it is a mild cult, it sure does a lot of good in the world, despite its failures for those of us with SGA. Lately, I look at the church and try to identify the good in what I see from a rational perspective.

I don't really want someone else to determine my choices regarding the church. I don't want to be taught a bunch of anti-mormon rhetoric or anything like that. I know that if I ever left the church, I would really want to leave it behind. Spouting off against something just feels wrong to me.

I enjoyed the time I spent with him. He's someone that could be my friend, and I need friends. I'm not really attracted to him physically, which is a good thing at this point. It felt so nice to share stories with him about our respective experiences in life. It was nice to talk to him about other fellows he knows that live here in town. Evidently there are quite a few of them.

So, for those of you out there, tell us about a special friend you have met that helped you deal with life and its challenges...

Another month...

2009-09-09T09:08:00.000-07:00

My wife wants to spend another month away. I'm losing hope. She just can't seem to see how hard she is making this for me. My little boy whines for his mom a lot. I read LDS stuff on occasion talking about how these are just tough spells, or difficult times, and they'll all pass. It sure is hard to see your way through all this when you are so deep in it. I'm not mad (at least not today), and I've got plenty to keep me busy.

When you think of God, what do you think of?

2009-09-06T18:36:00.001-07:00

Today was another hard Sunday, so I went home after sacrament. Being told to give up all unholy "stuff" and that God will give us spiritual gifts to overcome our weaknesses. I'm not saying the talks weren't interesting. They actually were. Just depressing. I left thinking about all the gay people who have committed suicide. Yes, I know--bad line of thought.

I've yet to meet or hear of too many gay/lesbians that "overcame" SGA. They all change course and accept it, or they evidently suffer for decades. Perhaps with some it is mild enough they can carry on.

The messages today kept talking about striving for perfection, and yet admitted to all of us that it will be eons after this life before we reach perfection. I kept wondering if God will say to me on that "big" day--well, did you have fun with the SGA? Nice cruel joke, huh.

But to be honest, thats just not the God I imagine. I'm pretty sure he could care less if I wear a white shirt to church, or a tie for that matter. I'm pretty sure he has far better means of judging our souls than temple recommend questions.

When you think of God, what do you think of?

Lost?

2009-08-29T14:26:00.000-07:00

I work out a lot. I really enjoy it. Being formerly fat, it is kind of a necessary thing. I sometimes feel that part of the reason I sexually desire men, is that I spent so many years wishing I had a better looking body. When i was a teenager, this really hit me. Perhaps it is a contributor to SSA... Who knows--it may just be something I tell myself.

Anyway, I have a trainer--a luxury I've enjoyed for the last year. Nice, fun younger guy. He's 24 or so, going to college and working, well built. He doesn't really turn me on, though (thankfully). He's built like a wrestler. He and I talk alot about what we are each up to. He's a much wilder guy than I ever was in college. He regularly has sex, and with multiple women. He drinks on occasion. He hangs out with, and lives with guys who have a similar bent. Interestingly, they are pretty much all mormons in some sense of the word.

He reminds me of guys I knew pre mission and in high school. Guys I enjoyed hearing from when they regularly reported their exploits. I liked listening to them to hear about them, not the girls. All part of my gayness, I guess.

I can't see my way right now. I just can't imagine my life "coming out" and being openly gay. I don't think I could stand to live here, and I imagine many of my friends/acquaintances would drop me like a hot potato. I fear what my children would think or go through, and the impact it might have on them. Its sort of like its too late in my life, or do I just not have the courage? I wonder often if it would be the selfish choice, and usually the answer is yes.

Yet I can't see living forever in an unhappy marriage. It has to improve or end. I can't live some asexual life w/o human affection for the benefit of my kids.

The third choice that comes to mind is staying in the closet even if my marriage ends, but finding companionship of some sort.

Of course a fourth choice exists, which is to live a lonely celibate life. uugh.

When I read your blogs, I read about guys who came out much earlier in life w/o family obligations. I read about many like myself in troubled marriages. I read about quite a few in transition. Perhaps we must all feel lost at some point in this world.

Today..

2009-08-25T20:44:00.000-07:00

Well, my attempts to reconcile my marriage continued today. I spent a lot of money on my wife this evening. Clothes, shoes, new watch--all sorts of things she needed for her next exodus, which begins Thursday. I keep wondering when some of this "give" will come back to me. Perhaps it already is and I don't see it.

The evil nemisis Chris Buttars is at it again, for those of you who aren't in Utah.
http://www.deseretnews.com/article/705325593/Buttars-vs-anti-discrimination-bill.html

I read most of your entries today, and continue to be stunned at the similarity of our experiences and thinking. So many of us have felt the same way on so many occasions. The "lost" feeling about the church, and yet the comfort of "sticking" with it. This is one challenging world. Keep posting!