Merry Christmas to all. It is a quiet one, the kids are all either playing with new toys or napping. Yesterday was a great day, with extended family. My dramatic life continues, in multiple ways. My wife is off on a very unpleasant trek spending time with a dying parent. It must be pure misery. She is far from home, and the kids all miss her. I miss her too, and she might miss me. We talked yesterday morning, and she told me the latest rough news. When we wrapped up the conversation, I told her I loved her (which is true, in some imperfect form) and she said nothing except "bye." Emotionally, I don't think I'm her spouse. I think I'm the "backup." Give the support, give the money, take care of the kids, but nothing more. Went to a great romantic movie with her last weekend, but there's no romance coming my way.
I'm so far from understanding her or this whole situation. As I look back at the past year, I'd probably just say I'm glad its over. 6 horrible months financially followed by 6 great months, relatively speaking. 9 months of having her here in the house, 3 months of her absence. No improvement whatsoever in our relationship. I don't feel like I've made any progress if you define progress by the church's definitions. My testimony is still weak at best. I still feel weak at best. Loneliness is a bitter pill to swallow for one who isn't used to it.
I admire those of you who are married, and happily so (in some fashion). I admire that your wives still love you, desire you and you are still in real families. I've really enjoyed reading things you write, and experiences you share.
Remember the song "all i want for Christmas is my two front teeth?" This Christmas I'm thinking--"all I want for Christmas is to be able to rewind the last 3 years of my life and re-record them."
My heart goes out to you Joe. Although you don't feel the companionship of your wife, I pray you find peace and joy in your children. Merry Christmas!
ReplyDeleteYou can't rewind and re-record, but you can rewind and record a director or actor's commentary. In other words, we can't change the past but we can change how we look at it. A powerful truth, but as with most ideas, much harder to actually do than to talk about.
ReplyDeleteI do relate to your post. My family life is good, but my life as a husband is not three dimensional. I am a companion, friend and partial provider. I am a husband, father and grandfather. I love my wife, but I am not her lover and don't know that I ever will be again. Nonetheless, no marriages are perfect and what we do have together is real if not ideal, and is stable if not fully functional. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone in being lonely within your marriage.
Thank you for being here and sharing your experiences, and all the best to you and your family in the year ahead.