Give them a path...

I'm going to try to write something that I hope will add to the discussion of why "Gay Marriage" is the right path.  I'm not here to tackle legal issues.  I just want to talk about giving Gay and Lesbian folks a path.

I come from a great middle class family.  It has flaws, but we are a family, and we love each other.  We grew up in a community where "families" were the rule, not an exception.  I joined a church at 17 that REALLY believes in families.  I think that a solid, stable and lifelong connection to another person that you love is a worthy and wonderful goal.  I like people who are stable, aren't living drug addicted or messed up lives.  I like people who have a positive attitude and work for the betterment of society.  Don't we all?

I've read and heard a lot of comments over the past 10 years about the "gay lifestyle."  I think most of that is a myth, but I've met enough Gay men to know that there are a lot of people with some serious issues.  They hold a lot of shame, pent up anger, and most of the ones that I know have been placed in a really tough moral dilemma by the conflict between their sexuality and their religion.  They are either going through, or have come through the "coming out" process. Repression of their real selves has often created a big mess which they find themselves in.  A lot of them have gotten lost in the mire of life, though I'm certainly not saying straight people don't have the same problems.

Our culture and society have given "straight" people a path.  The path is a way to grow up, socialize, date others, and maybe fall in love.  If that happens, they can legally and religiously marry, which provides them with a lot of benefits in our world.  It enables them to create a fairly powerful bond that goes beyond mere attraction.  It's lifelong commitment.  In a lot of ways, it is what our society calls "legitimate."  It is frankly, a pretty comfortable shell, if well maintained...

By contrast, lets look at the life of a gay man.  He grows up, usually hiding part of himself.  He socializes, but as I know, often feels "different" or separated from others.  In the past, very few ever started "dating" in high school, or college for that matter.  They were too busy hiding from themselves or keeping their secret from others.  Their socializing with the intent of finding affection was pretty limited.  If they broke through that barrier (no small task), they could start that process (usually 5 to 10 years after straight folks).  But the process was missing part of the "end game."  It offered no legal bond, or formal, community endorsed union. It didn't provide the same legal, tax, probate, employee benefits that straight couples could form.  And I'm putting it mildly.  Legal discrimination in the form of anti-sodomy laws, and much much more fought against their union.  A "legitimate" union, in the view of our society, did not exist.

In my view, the lack of that "end game" is a real handicap to building the kind of stable, lifelong connection to another person that I feel we all should be able to pursue.  It contributes to the "issues" these Gay folks have, and doesn't help them with the demons they face in this world.  Frankly put, they need that "end game" as a legitimate, society recognized and sanctioned goal.

History is an excellent teacher, and if any of you want to see what the "lack" of a pathway creates, hunt down the PBS documentary on the Stonewall Riots.  The documentary shares the stories of what gay life was like in New York City back in the late 1960's.  Frankly, it was horrible.  Police brutality, lack of privacy, and most of the time, the only expression of their sexuality wasn't exactly a beautiful intimate experience with a true companion. I'll leave it to you to learn what I'm talking about by watching the documentary.  http://video.pbs.org/video/1889649613/  After I watched it, I understood how the AIDS epidemic was able to simply destroy so many lives.  Watching the movie Philadelphia (1993) also provides a glimpse of that world.

No church, or society is ever going to be able to prevent men from being gay, or prevent women from being lesbians.  And we as a society should want all people to have an uninhibited path towards a good life.  We want them to be stable, industrious, good neighbors without all sorts of troubles, addictions, etc.  So for heaven's sake--could we please start supporting them in creating these sort of lives by enabling them, instead of handicapping them?

Kurt R. Peterson

What would you have me be?

Today I'm writing about a question that I am posing to the LDS Church and Culture:

What would you have me be?

You see, I was born with the "wrong" sexual orientation.  I refused to admit it for many years, and hid it from the world until I was 39.  It was the hidden secret.  I lived with a "dress" on to hide my true self from my family, friends and acquaintances.  I knew the truth, I just couldn't share it.  I built my life around that "dress," because I believed at the time that it was right to do so.  I failed to tell my ex wife that she was marrying a gay man.  Simply put, I built my world on a fake foundation.  The Church wanted me to be straight, and made that perfectly clear in all its manuals, teachings etc.  Past teachings included concepts that just being Homosexual was a terrible abomination, worthy of condemnation and exclusion.  Admitting that fact meant excommunication from the institution, and ostracism from the larger community, and so I kept up appearances until it all fell apart. This degree of severity has changed, especially in the last few years, but the fundamental belief that homosexuality has no legitimate form of expression lives on.

When I was 39 and my marriage was falling apart because I admitted I was gay to my wife, my Bishop told me to stay in the closet.  He is a good man, and did so out of a sense of fear of the reaction from the Church community. I was, simply put, to be seen and not heard on this topic.  There was to be no active or public disagreement with the church on the issue.  His advice is very representative of what the Church Institution and the culture of the church would have us be.  Seen, but never heard.

The Church does not want to admit that we are 2nd class citizens, in their view placed here on earth to live affection free, intimacy free, and love free lives.  They would prefer we just bear our burdens silently, endure 75  years of loneliness, die, and have it all resolved on the other side.  They offer no explanation of why God would send us to this earth to perform this "duty," and expect us to accept this fate on faith.  .  They don't want to deal with the harsh reality that something about this "fate" just isn't right.

But today, its all falling apart.  We've said too much, refused to be hidden, we fight for our civil rights to love and marry, we push for acceptance in the community.  We resist their gender specified roles in society, and more and more of us refuse to be silent about our feelings about their past and present treatment.  The larger culture of the church would have all of this rolled back in time to the point when it was all a big hush hush secret.

In short--they would have us be quiet, docile, accepting of their view of our fate, in-authentic to our true feelings, and actively striving to create that idealized life (despite the fake foundation).

I'm sorry, but this will never be possible again for me, and frankly, it will never be possible again for the larger community of Homosexual people in this country.

Who would I have voted for?

When I spoke to my son this week, he asked me who I voted for. I answered his question, and tried to explain why I had chosen the person I voted for. It started a chain of thinking in my mind that I need to release. I voted for Barack Obama this week. I chose him because he was the candidate that supports my right to marry whoever I love. I feel strongly that this is the civil rights question of my time.


But what if I had lived in another time? Who would I have voted for in another time, and other important issues. If I had lived in the time of the American Revolution, would I have supported the cause of liberty, or been loyal to the British? When the states voted on the U.S. Constitution, would I have cast my vote to ratify? Would I have recognized in the 1860’s how fundamentally wrong Slavery was and supported Abraham Lincoln? When women were campaigning for the right to vote, would I have been a man who supported their cause, or one who felt women were subservient?

But perhaps the question that came most powerfully to my mind was a fundamental question of my parent’s young adulthood. Are men truly created equal, and really endowed by their creator with certain inalienable rights, despite their race? Would I have supported Martin Luther King’s efforts to end Segregation? Would I have cheered at the passage of the Civil Rights Acts? Or would I have been one of those intolerable bigots spewing hatred at these efforts? I certainly hope I would have been the former, and not the latter.

And now, a generation later, in my 40’s, I find myself a white man in a small minority. I am a gay man. I have felt the sting of bigoted remarks my whole life, and hid my true self in shame for 40 years. I saw no path in my youth which allowed me to love a man, though I was attracted to men. That period of my life has ended, and with it, came my public support of the Gay Rights Movement, and against those souls who believe that I’m somehow evil for choosing to accept my sexuality. Perhaps it’s karma for the wrong vote in a previous life. It certainly has taught me fascinating things, and opened my heart far more than it otherwise would have been. Would I have chosen to support this cause had I not been born a gay man? I hope so, but fear not. So if you are one of those incredible people who aren’t gay, but support the fundamental right to marry whomever you love, then I thank you for your choice, which I know history will prove correct.

Why didn't they tell me?

This morning I got a fascinating message on facebook from my cousin.  She somehow gained an interest years ago in gay mormons, without knowing for sure that I was gay.  She told me about a research paper that she was writing for college on the topic, and I provided her with all sorts of information.  Today's message mentioned that when she was young, she remembered vividly her mother, my aunt, saying to her that "Kurt is as gay as a goose."  I was kind of stunned.  Fascinated.  How on earth did she know?  Why didn't she tell me, cause I sure didn't quite have it all figured out.....  I've wondered this again and again.  My brother, and others have said things like that to me.

Others chastised me (appropriately), for lying when I was confronted.

Isn't life an interesting game?

Myself in video

Well, a couple years ago, I never would have done this, but last Fall I made the decision to be part of a Movie Documentary done by Kendall Wilcox, a former BYU professor who is also gay.  He has put together a lot of these videos, and I was just one of them.  It is essentially me telling my story in summary, five minute sort of version.  It was scary, and new to me.  Staring at a camera isn't my daily domain, so to speak.  I knew at that point the story was permanently out of the bag.  I hope mine, or one of the other stories can help you.

Kurt

http://farbetweenmovie.com/kurt/

To the young "Gay" men of the Church

You are really an amazing bunch. Probably the most musically, artistically, theatrically talented people in the whole church. But of course, some of you don't fit that mold, and have incredible athletic skills. You come in all shapes, sizes and families, and one of the biggest challenges you've faced is that you just don't fit into stereotypes. You've been listening to church talks since you were babies telling you the life you should be leading. Your problem is that you weren't created by our Heavenly Father to be stereotypic. You were given something really different. You are sexually and emotionally attracted to other men. When you dream at night, it isn't about women. You go to school and work or to hang outs with friends and families and end up occasionally hearing people insult those who are just like you.

But some things aren't so different:

• God loves you just like you are



• The atonement is for all men, not just those who fit the stereotypic mold of the church perfectly

Most rational people who have been through what you are going through can see a few things. First off--you can't pray this away. You can't be so perfect that you earn freedom from it. You can literally hate and despise yourself into shame and suicide, but it does no good. It doesn't do the church, your family or most importantly YOU any good. Some get the mistaken idea from old church books and pamphlets that "if you just go on a mission" you'll come home straight, or worse, if you get married, it will all work out perfectly. Well, I and many others can tell you that those things aren't magical triggers.


A mission may be a beautiful, wonderful experience, or a "try your soul" kind of time. I enjoyed mine, for the most part, but had one heck of a crush on one of my companions. I knew why... Marriage is really tough. Finding someone is hard enough, without having "issues." But being dishonest about this is the wrong thing to do. It affects some one else's life in a way that is really unfair. Your best intentions may not be good enough in that situation.


So what's a guy supposed to do? Well, you can fight it your whole life, and live a partial life as a perpetual bachelor with people asking you why you aren't married, or you can accept your "gayness" and probably be a whole lot happier. I'll freely admit that when it comes to choices, neither appears too appealing. But I think an honest life is a better choice. You of course will have to come to your own conclusions in your own time.


You aren't alone. There are thousands of us who are just like you. Maybe older, maybe in different situations, but they are there. The "guestimate" is that at least 5% of men are gay, meaning they are more attracted to men than women.


Love is love, no matter whether it is man/woman, or man/man. It feels the same, and produces the same happiness. But for those of us men who prefer men, there will always be a physical side of this love/intimacy that isn't the same with a woman.

Here is something I hope you'll watch, if you haven't seen it already.

http://farbetweenmovie.com/it-gets-better-at-byu/

Life is good:)

I don't have a great deal to say.  Except that life is good.  I walk outside and I feel good.  I see trees waving in the wind and it just speaks to me.  I see my sons, now home for the summer, and my heart smiles.  I meet with clients, and enjoy all of it.  I date too much, and love all of it.  Is life easy?  No, not easy.  Financially difficult in fact.  But it sure feels good.  I've learned so well that things, and status, and bank account are no guarantees of happiness in this life.  I'm not engaged.  I don't have a boyfriend, per se.  But life just feels so good.

I often meet young men who are stuck in the closet.  I sometimes just hurt for them.  They are fighting a battle against something I feel like they need to stop fighting and start embracing.  I meet guys whose parents still control them, or their mind.  I literally hurt for them.

Had the joy of talking on the phone for a few hours to an old friend from an LDS ward.  He's a great guy, now a father of 2 wonderful kids, successful in career, and walking the same path as me.  He was attracted to men his whole life, and suffered a lot because of it.  In his case, like mine, it was sort of the final straw in destroying a marriage.  Funny how we were walking the same trail, and parallel and close paths, and just couldn't see it.

So there is my brief update of a good life.  Hope yours is going as well.