Thursday, January 28, 2010
Choice
Several months ago I gave my wife a bequest of sorts to pay for a counselor to deal with her PTSD. I left it in her hands, and waited. Yesterday I asked her if she still had the money. The answer is no. She spent it on credit card payments. I thought (before this conversation) that I would be mad if that was the answer, but I'm not really mad, just disappointed. She said she'll have to pay for it herself. I didn't have much to say to her afterwards. I didn't know what to say. "Gee--don't you think you could have put our marriage first?" or "Funny how you found money to buy a fancy bike, go to all sorts of marathons, etc." But I didn't feel anger, or the desire to rub her face in it. What good would it do?
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I feel for you. You seem to want nothing more than to have your wife back in your life. How difficult it must be for you!
ReplyDeleteUg.
ReplyDeleteBut, marathons and bikes are pretty cool.
:)
(I know, not funny.)
I don't understand what's going on with your marriage, but I do understand how you are feeling about the church and your testimony. I spent three years going through the motions with church. Sometimes I would have to just get away from church and go for a drive - get a Coke during Sunday School and Priesthood. I still have some difficulty with the meetings, but now, for the most part, I want to be there. One time I came back from getting a Coke when church had just gotten out. There were a number of people getting in their cars. I opened my door to go get my family and the Coke cup fell out on the ground. It only had ice left in it and it made a loud noise. One of the sisters in the ward looked over and asked why I hadn't gotten her one too. I was so embarrassed.
ReplyDeleteI have been able to recoup most of my testimony. I read a lot of books about Joseph Smith and the history of the church - did a lot of research. The church in the early days was so strange, yet incredible. The church today hardly resembles the early church. But the research gave me a better understanding of how revelation works and why the church is organized the way it is, as well as why it behaves the way it does. I had never done a real inellectual study of the church. I went to seminary and institute, study on my mission, etc., but this time my research was focuesed on what I needed. In the end it was very reaffirming.