- I was trapped in a marriage without affection or intimacy of any kind
- I was depressed (due to conditions)
- I wondered when the misery would end
- Extremely deep in the closet, desperate for the chance to get to know fellows like me
- Dreaming of a day when I could live an honest life
Things are so different. The marriage is over, which comes with its own blessings and curses. My children live with their mother during the school year, and spend breaks, including this weekend, with me. I miss them, no doubt about it. I'm not depressed or unhappy. Most days, I feel great. I'm not so "in the closet" anymore. In fact, I'm half way out. I'm out to my children, my kids, and some friends. I've met lots of wonderful guys who I've spent time with. Some through the Moho parties, some through a local Gay father's organization, and others through dating.
I no longer feel much like a mormon. I go, now and then, and still love and care about the members of my local ward. But I don't really know that I share many of their views on a lot of things. I'm thankful for the good things I was taught, for the "real religion" that came with the LDS church. But I know that I'll probably never be able to live an honest life within the church, and that isn't something I can stomach.
I look better physically, I feel better mentally. The world didn't cave in. Every time I've come out to someone, I feel better. I've learned a lot. I can't say I'm much different. I wake up the same person, and think about a lot of the same things.
Hope all of you can say that this period of time has been a time of progress. I hope you've enjoyed reading all my crazy posts.
As someone with kids who is still effectively in the closet (I told my wife years ago but we don't talk about it), I've found your journey - and this post in particular - very reassuring. Thanks for sharing. - Cameron
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that things are going well for you. It has been a crazy journey I am sure. I've enjoyed your posts and hope you will continue posting as you continue on your journey.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you are feeling better about yourself. You've been through a lot.
ReplyDelete"...I know that I'll probably never be able to live an honest life within the church..."
ReplyDeleteJoe - just wanted you to know that it is possible. You can be honest to yourself, honest to God, and honest to the people you love... and live a fulfilled, righteous life. Yeah, it's hard. Yeah, understanding how doctrines and principles apply to me (like the eternal and ever-present mandate to date) takes way more thought than the usual person. And yes, it's easy to feel alone. But the 'real religion' of the Church isn't the people or the culture - it's the relationship we develop with God and the blessings He gives us when we keep His commandments. And as we continue to take (albeit small) steps towards Him, everything becomes possible.
Mormon guy--While I understand what you are trying to say, and certainly agree with doing what I can to live a solid ethical life, the stated religion of the church has no solution for guys like us except suffer through this life and everything will be ok in the next. I just don't know that this is what I feel the real "God" is like or would want from me.
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