You might find my title strange, and perhaps you'll find the content even stranger. Throughout the years of my exposure and membership in the LDS Church, I've noticed this phenomenon. It is something that isn't unique perhaps to the Church, though.
It works like this; A 30 year old woman with 3 kids joins the church. Her husband doesn't. She attends church, learns, and hears a great deal about eternal marriage, and how if you want eternal marriage, then your husband needs to join the church, and you all can be sealed in the temple. Home teachers reinforce this, missionaries show up pushing for access to the husband. She gives up the occasional social drink, smoking, and her morning coffee, he doesn't. It frustrates her, and she doesn't know how to handle it. He prefers their "old" church, and feels like she's changing the game rules. It drives a wedge into their relationship. She can't handle it after awhile, and goes inactive. But the missionaries don't give up, and a persistent hometeacher keep at her, and a few years later, she gradually returns to the church. Her children become more "mormon-like" which bothers her husband. He can't understand the 3 hours of church, and all the meetings, and is resentful about her paying tithing. She tries harder, more faithful, goes to the temple, kids serve missions, then they get divorced.
You could tear apart the "why" for ages, but what I see in the process is a person who in their desires to "solve" the "being yoked unequally" pushed her husband away emotionally, and a husband who couldn't accept the satisfaction his wife's spirituality provided her to the point where he let it build a wedge.
Ever heard of compromise? Ever heard of trying to deal with the hand you were dealt, instead of endlessly longing for something you don't have. If a person, (your partner, or your spouse, or your boyfriend) brings you happiness, why push endlessly for them to change themselves to suit you.
The woman I'm writing about is my mother, who I love dearly. The marriage I'm describing is marriage number one. There was a marriage number two, to a guy who was a member of the church, etc, etc, and treated everyone in the family like crap. Marriage number three was different. She married a catholic, and chose not to worry. She even attended classes at his church so they could be married in his church. Every other week they went to his church, then her church. In other words, they let love lead the way for them. She cherished what he had, not what she might have wished for him to be.
We are good at excluding ourselves from happiness. Unflinching opinions that can't be "compromised." Mormons who are so uncomfortable with others when those others don't share their religious beliefs that they quickly start seeking to convert them. On, and on, it goes. From many angles, and many directions.
So here's my moral of the story--cherish the happiness you do have, and stop thinking people have to change to accommodate you or your particular views.
I think you've hit this right on the nail, my dear friend. Even from the mighty pulpit in SLC, the bretheren preach that you can't force your companions/partners/spouses to change unless they want to change. Compromise, after all, is what a relationship thrives upon.
ReplyDeleteThe LDS sacrament hymn, 'In Humility, Our Savior,' says it quite well in the second verse saying, "Fill our hearts with sweet forgiving; Teach us tolerance and love." Despite personal decisions, we're asked to love thy neighbor, be our brothers' keeper, and to forgive each other of out trespasses.
Like you said, we're excluding ourselves from happiness by refusing to compromise. It's a sign of maturity and intelligence when we can consider other ideas and behaviors without actually accepting them. Perhaps that's the problem that we find so close to home...we shut out those close to us because we aren't even willing to try.
Great story, great moral, and a great reminder to us all. Thanks.
I really liked this post. Sometimes I think people are so busy trying to live an ideal and follow all the "rules" that they forget to appreciate what's right in front them.
ReplyDeleteSpeaking of those rules, it often feels like we live these pseudo lives where we aim to please everyone around us. But, in reality, especially in relation to the gospel, we only have our Lord and savior to please, and I am confident that when I stand before him on that day of judgement, being true to ourselves is what will count highly.
ReplyDeleteOn my mission the largest lesson I learned the hard way was the importance of putting my companion's need above the rules of the mission. I was a missionary who followed the book despite what my companion really needed. I would never consider their needs, but thought that if I was obedient to the rules I would be blessed. This was at the sacrifice of friendship and love within my companionship. I think this post talks about this same rule but applied to a marriage.
ReplyDeleteWhen I started reading this post I was growing frustration, thinking you were condoning the actions of the wife and church in trying to convert the husband to their brand of happiness.
ReplyDeleteI have just found your blog and I look forward to reading more.
Very interesting post. My sister has joined the Mormon Church but she did so after her marriage had ended. She took all three of her daughters into the church with her. Two have now married Momrmon boys. The saddest part of this is that both my niece's insisted (?) on getting married in a Temple. This meant their father, who is not Mormon was not able to attend their weddings. He was devastated. I've had conversations with a fellow I know who is a fifth generation Mormon to understand why my sister has become distant from her own family since joining the church. He insisted that the Church isn't driving this but after reading your post today, I'm not so sure. Thanks for posting it. All the best.
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