I had planned to gently walk away from the church. Move away from Provo, to Salt Lake or elsewhere, sell my house, and say goodbye to a lot of friends here in a gentle way. Sort of a move to be free of the repressive beliefs of the LDS Church regarding the my Homosexuality. I didn't want to make a big scene, get excommunicated, etc. I figured if they ever called me in for a church disciplinary council I'd just send a letter asking for my name to be removed from the records of the church.
But I had to give that strategy serious reconsideration this weekend. I attended the "Circle your Wagons" conference in Salt Lake City, which was for those of us who are "gay" mormons (other descriptions included too). Spiritually "uplifting" and sort of redemptive too. To see all these other men and women who are your peers, who care as much as you do. Many of them there with boyfriends or other loved ones. We were blessed by listening to speakers like Lee Beckstead, Jimmy Creech, and Carol Lynn Pearson. Wonderful talks, which actually inspired me to not pull the silent exodus. Though I don't share all the beliefs of the LDS church anymore, there is still beauty there, and still people I care about, including those who are yet to come, meaning those that are going to have to walk the same journey as me.
I almost feel like I owe it to myself, and to them, to be the thorn in the side of the status quo. And that is something I am very skilled at. Trust me :)
Ever felt like this?
But I had to give that strategy serious reconsideration this weekend. I attended the "Circle your Wagons" conference in Salt Lake City, which was for those of us who are "gay" mormons (other descriptions included too). Spiritually "uplifting" and sort of redemptive too. To see all these other men and women who are your peers, who care as much as you do. Many of them there with boyfriends or other loved ones. We were blessed by listening to speakers like Lee Beckstead, Jimmy Creech, and Carol Lynn Pearson. Wonderful talks, which actually inspired me to not pull the silent exodus. Though I don't share all the beliefs of the LDS church anymore, there is still beauty there, and still people I care about, including those who are yet to come, meaning those that are going to have to walk the same journey as me.
I almost feel like I owe it to myself, and to them, to be the thorn in the side of the status quo. And that is something I am very skilled at. Trust me :)
Ever felt like this?
I have no identified myself clearly on this blog. Hi everyone--now you know my name, and what my family looks like (one step-daughter's boyfriend added in pic)
Wow! thank you!
ReplyDelete"...to be the thorn in the side of the status quo."
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way :).
I really wish I could have attended the conference. Glad to hear it was good!
I have thought over and over this dilemma. Honestly, this is what it has come down to for me. I'd rather be done with it and move on with my life. I am ready... I can be at peace and enjoy my life. But then I start thinking of the others. I think of what it was like for me to come to terms with being gay while being Mormon. I don't see any of the leadership doing anything to help kids get through that alive. And then simply walking away and riding off into the sunset and a rainbow horse named happiness seems so selfish. Someone needs to at least try to reach out to those kids. So I blog. I speak up. I talk about my experiences and I put myself out there for anyone that may be looking.
ReplyDeleteSometimes it is so hard. It is hard to see people going through the hell that I knew. It is exhausting. It is frustrating. I wish I could just shake some people and wake them up to the reality that they actually could be happy. But it doesn't work that way. I think eventually I will need to move on for my own sanity. But for now, I'll do what I can.
Please e-mail me. I have some questions regarding the MOHO group. I have tried to look it up but the information isn't really flowing. I started reading your blog becuase my husband was reading it. While he enjoys the story behind it, I enjoy looking at the couple/ marriage side of things. As a wife to a man with SSA I am sorry that you and your could not work out. I do however hope that you find the relationship that fulfills your life. This is relatively new to us, two months into it so far. Thank you for providing us with your personal life story.
ReplyDeleteYou can email me if you still have interest at 1410sw1@gmail.com.
DeleteSorry. I looked for your e-mail but it wasn;t listed that I could see. If you choose to email me it is on my profile on my blog. At http://mtagm.blogspot.com/ Thank you.
ReplyDeletevisiting your blog...all the way from philippines. :)
ReplyDelete