No, this isn't a suicide announcement.
Today I went to church (yes, I know--a rare thing). Everyone was talking in their testimonies about a sister in the ward who is at death's door due to pancreatic cancer. She's an amazing woman, literally an example of true Christianity. One who accepted everyone, welcomed everyone, never focused on wealth, and gave. And when I say gave, I mean it. She gave her voice, and her theatric talents to 60 years of audiences. Her voice was a direct gift from God. I loved her, and one of the most fun "service" moments I can think of in my life was painting her house. While I was sitting there, I kept thinking I was literally feeling her spirit. I was wondering--had she not been a mormon, what kind of person would she have been? My conclusion--she would have been the same wonderful person, just of another faith. I miss her already.
The other death of the day, is a woman who was my aunt (married to my uncle) for the first 20 years of my life. She was orphaned by 7, abused. Married my uncle, and abused her children terribly. Alcoholic, who never really got over it. Blew threw a fortune in alimony and assets after a rough divorce. Died in an apartment--found by her son-in-law. Really, an awful life. Her influence was terrible--creating broken, difficult lives for her daughters especially. I don't know if they'll ever really get over it. She was literally feared by the extended family to some extent. So, when was the die cast, so to speak? Who knows. I learned at an early age that child abuse is an evil thing.
I'm feeling kind of emotional. Thinking how grateful I am to have met many of you, and for the friends I've made within the "family." I sometimes don't know where I'm at. I long for the "simplicity" of the old life, but recognize it just wasn't really all that simple. I think about once again "giving up" this side of me, but can't get over the basic premise that God made me this way for a reason, and has things for me to do. Damn life is hard sometimes.
You don't know me, and I'm new to all of this. But I want to tell you that I'm thinking of you and encouraging you to have faith in yourself and in God. I don't know why God made me or you the way he did, but I do know that He loves me and he is ok with the way I am. Beyond that, I don't know much.
ReplyDeleteThanks for your post. Wishing you fresh courage ...