From One Christmas to the next....

I keep having occasion to think about all the incredible changes life has undergone in the space of 12 months. Had you asked me 5 years ago all of this would happen, I doubt I would have believed it.

Last Christmas, I was still in a very much "dead" marriage. I was supporting my wife, her kids, our kids, and trying to deal with a really frustrating situation. No affection, intimacy, and the only connection between us was the past that we shared. Her desire to escape was very, very evident at that point. She was gone over Christmas, spending the last bit of time she could with her dying Mother (sad huh). The kids and I were here trying to make the best of it. Money was fairly abundant, and we didn't lack. Didn't go anywhere special or do anything out of the ordinary for the holidays. I had no gay friends, and the only gay guys I knew were a couple online acquaintances I had emailed with some. I had never been to a gay bar or club, or gone on a date with a guy, or anything of the sort. My kids, parents and siblings didn't know I was gay. I knew by this point the marriage was dead, but I still didn't know when or how it would end. In some ways, I felt desperate, alone and almost scared. When I allowed myself the luxury of dreaming about a life beyond, it felt like guilty pleasure. I showed up at Church on Sundays just to drag the kids over there, not because I wanted to be there.

Fast forward until today. My marriage is over, my kids and former stepkids are all here over Christmas vacation. My ex wife lives and works in a neighboring state. She's spending Christmas with her new boyfriend, who I might add is very much disliked by my stepdaughters. My parents, siblings, and children all know I'm gay. I've met many, many wonderful gay guys, made all sorts of new friends. I don't think I've had this many friends since college pre-mission. I've dated men. I've been to clubs, and had adventures. Most of which were wondeful. Money is much less abundant, and I've learned what life alone means, and what paying Child Support means. I've learned how damn tough it is to be separated from your own children most of the time. I've had mental challenges and spiritual challenges I never anticipated. I've had spiritual experiences I never anticipated. I keep wondering what comes next, and wondering when I I'll meet the perfect special someone.

Quite a year, huh. Here's hoping the next Christmas finds life even better. Sorry about the pic--couldn't resist.