Latter Day Saints believe in a book with some semi-conflicting doctrines in it. The Book of Mormon talks about being willing to submit to all things that God wants to "inflict" upon us, yet also talks about the purpose of life being joy. Sometimes, I really wonder how these two can possibly work together in some cases.
I went to church--always good at getting the mind working, and was blessed with the privilege of listening to a newlywed couple give talks about humility and submitting..... The wife talked about how she has had a horrible outbreak of hives, and her husband giving her a blessing explaining that this was preparing her for something else. In other words, something worse. She felt completely comforted. She talks, and explained that Its all just black and white. I kind of laughed, or cringed inside.
The husband cited scripture about submitting, being willing to always follow, etc. He sounded like what he was, a 23 year old returned missionary byu engineering student who was recently married.
On the walk home, my mind thinks about these things--So--God just "inflicted" homosexuality upon me. He just inflicts all my troubles on me. Then as I walked in the door, I think about the stated purpose of life--that we might have joy, and my mind realizes the conflict. God made around 5% of us (maybe more) that evidently, according to doctrinal view, are supposed to be "inflicted up" and just roll over and play dead. The problem being that experiencing joy in this life has so much to do with the people around us, and our connection to them.
I don't want to live a life disconnected from others. I don't want to be intimacy free the rest of my life. I don't want to never have a special someone to share my life with again. Doctrinal view says thats just pride. But I know deep in my heart that its just that craving for joy, which to me, must involve connection to others.
Last night was fun. I was out with several friends. First at a monthly potluck party surrounded by others like me, then out dancing. One of my friends spoke about how connected he felt to others since coming out. Its true. I've never had so many close friends since my days in college. I can't completely reconclile the conflict, and probably never will. My eyes have been opened to more than ever before. I see life differently. I care just as much about other people as I ever did. I'm much less judgemental, and generally more comfortable with my self.
Perhaps the resolution lies in being willing to truly submit to homosexuality, and to embrace it. Enjoy all life is offering me and accept the joy that comes with it. I'm sure the views of others in this Moho blogging community will range a great deal on this from black and white to a life filled with color.
"...experiencing joy in this life has so much to do with the people around us, and our connection to them."
ReplyDeleteAmen.