Today was one of the greatest days, and a lousy day. I wrapped up a business deal that will do wonderful things for me. 7 months in process, and a great conclusion. I was yipping with excitement.
I'm headed out tomorrow for a vacation with my sons to go see the relatives in the midwest. Its something I'm looking forward to, and need. Worked out hard today, felt good at the gym.
Came home and was sitting in the kitchen with my wife, and I finally got the courage to have that talk my counselor had encouraged. I told her I wanted to ask her some questions before I left, and proceeded to ask her if she had any desire for me. The answer was "I try to" which means no, not currently. Then we talked at length about her getting some help from a counselor, if nothing else, for someone to talk to.
She feels she is in a no win situation. Scenario 1: she stays in the marriage. The problem is that life changed all the rules and assumptions, and she can't bear the thought of me being attracted to men. She also can't trust me, and I don't know that she currently has the courage to change that. So--she ends up frustrated, unfulfilled and continues to be unhappy.
Scenario 2, we end the marriage. Problem is, she loses me, and our "together" world ends. As she puts it, she has nowhere to go. She feels like she has no friends. We talked quite a bit, more than we have before, which in itself is a plus. But, I was feeling my emotions really close to the surface, and I sure feel like it may be over. I gave her a hug (as much as she'd let me) told her I cared for her, and if she'd let me I would love her.
I told no lies, I hid nothing. I told her I couldn't live in a loveless marriage, and that without real intimacy, etc, I would fail terribly. Then I took my son, went shopping, ran an errand, and she went to work.
Joe,
ReplyDeleteCongratulations in taking this step, as hard and painful as I imagine it to had been. If nothing else this step makes the two of you aware that something is going on and something may need to happen, regardless of the outcome.
Hugs,pl
Tough choices, to put it tritely. I know straight people who have faced similar dilemmas in their own marriages in which trust was lost and love changed. Hopefully, it's not true that it comes down to just those two scenarios. Hopefully, she'll learn to see your attraction to men as only slightly more difficult to swallow than any other dude's attraction to other women and will understand that you may have emotional needs to be met that a typical straight dude might not, assuming you can even bring yourself to see it that way. Or she'll see, through your own actions and commitment, your love for and dedication to her and desire to earn and maintain her trust and that of your children. ...but I'm not so naive as to assume you both even have the desire/energy to invest at this point. Do you? (I guess that's just a rhetorical question.) Nor am I ignorant that there are probably layers upon layers to your relationship that you needn't divulge here and that even if you wrote a hundred pages, I'd still not truly know what it's like to actually be in your place or hers, so I won't preach. That's a wrenching situation to be in, as far as I've observed, and it takes a lot of strength to work through it, whatever the outcome.
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