I'm leaving tomorrow am for a tropical paradise for 5 days. Sound fun! You bet. I need relaxation, diversion, and anything besides too much of the current.
I spent last night reading 2 books--In Quiet Desperation, and the latest one by Carol ??? about circling the wagons. Didn't finish either one yet, but sure noticed a different tone and feel to each one.
I read more of In Quiet Desperation. So horrifying. Stuart Matis was so driven to personal perfection it drove him to his death. Awful. His parents, who wrote the book--would seem (and I've never met them or gone to a fireside of theirs) like extremely spiritual LDS folks who got to learn a hard, hard lesson. As I read the book, the further I got in it, it almost hurt. The feeling that "you've got to just finish surviving this life" was really awful. An LDS quest for perfection rings through the whole book. I read some of the writings by LDS men, and of course, they were pretty much selected to provide that kind of view.
Then I read the first part of the other book--No more Goodbyes is the title. Different feeling, and a different sort of view. Emotional as well--it had me almost crying at one point, but much more of a hopeful feeling.
I just don't know that I want to live a long life empty of affection, attention, and physical intimacy. Not even sure I could.
Could I remarry a woman? I don't know. It took me 27 years to get the first one. I couldn't enter a relationship like that without a lot of fear. Intimacy not a problem, but there is no end in this life to attractions, and a relationship with a woman will not satisfy all of them. Honesty would be a pre-requisite, and I see most women running from me if they knew the truth.
I don't know anything about a relationship with a man that isn't just a friend or relative, or co-worker.
My Mother is here at my house now--going to be watching my kids. I bought these books, because I feel sort of ready to tell her. Coming out to the first family member. I fear the burden it will throw on her. I don't fear the reaction nearly as much. I will probably give her the books, or at least one of them.
Did any of you give those books to a relative? How did it go--did it make any difference?
Enjoy your vacation! I hope it's rejuvenating. :)
ReplyDeleteI first read In Quiet Desperation soon after I came out. My two best (female) friends read it first and then told me that I should read it. I didn't finish it. Ty's part gets long and repetitive. He's getting married (to a woman) soon. Best of luck to her. And the Matis's, I love them and they have treated me so well, but I just don't agree with some of their views. But that doesn't take away from the tragedy that happened in their lives and the love and care that they have shown us.
ReplyDeleteI loved No More Goodbyes. I was getting so sick of my parents not educating themselves about homosexuality that I gave it to them and asked them to read it. I know that my Mom has at least read part of it, so that's a start. She only told me that she already knew all about that. I know that she wants me to marry a woman, but I think that she's coming to a realization that that is not going to happen.
If there's anything else you want to know about all that, I'm sure that you can ask other bloggers who I am and contact me.
When I told my parents I left them a letter asking them to read No More Goodbyes. I feel like the book has been instrumental in helping us maintain a good relationship. Since reading the book the majority of their questions have revolved around how they can help me, and how they can make sure I feel their love, instead of how I can find a way to marry a woman.
ReplyDeleteI have not read either of the books. I hope to soon. Have a great time on your vacation.
ReplyDeleteI've not read either one. Most people whose perspectives I agree with have described Quiet Desperation to me as essentially two books: Mansfield's very lengthy and sometimes repetitive defenses of the Church's current policies, and the Matis' view of their son and why they are glad he did what Mansfield advocated.
ReplyDeleteCarol Lynn Pearson's book may be more relevant for my family, I'll have to read it and see.
Have a great well-deserved vacation. I loved "In Quiet Desperation." I think it is sound counsel to help anyone become a better person, and as one who knows and loves the Matis family, I am grateful they shared their story. They have used their heartbreak to reach out to others, hoping all homosexuals will feel loved and choose life.
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