I work out a lot. I really enjoy it. Being formerly fat, it is kind of a necessary thing. I sometimes feel that part of the reason I sexually desire men, is that I spent so many years wishing I had a better looking body. When i was a teenager, this really hit me. Perhaps it is a contributor to SSA... Who knows--it may just be something I tell myself.
Anyway, I have a trainer--a luxury I've enjoyed for the last year. Nice, fun younger guy. He's 24 or so, going to college and working, well built. He doesn't really turn me on, though (thankfully). He's built like a wrestler. He and I talk alot about what we are each up to. He's a much wilder guy than I ever was in college. He regularly has sex, and with multiple women. He drinks on occasion. He hangs out with, and lives with guys who have a similar bent. Interestingly, they are pretty much all mormons in some sense of the word.
He reminds me of guys I knew pre mission and in high school. Guys I enjoyed hearing from when they regularly reported their exploits. I liked listening to them to hear about them, not the girls. All part of my gayness, I guess.
I can't see my way right now. I just can't imagine my life "coming out" and being openly gay. I don't think I could stand to live here, and I imagine many of my friends/acquaintances would drop me like a hot potato. I fear what my children would think or go through, and the impact it might have on them. Its sort of like its too late in my life, or do I just not have the courage? I wonder often if it would be the selfish choice, and usually the answer is yes.
Yet I can't see living forever in an unhappy marriage. It has to improve or end. I can't live some asexual life w/o human affection for the benefit of my kids.
The third choice that comes to mind is staying in the closet even if my marriage ends, but finding companionship of some sort.
Of course a fourth choice exists, which is to live a lonely celibate life. uugh.
When I read your blogs, I read about guys who came out much earlier in life w/o family obligations. I read about many like myself in troubled marriages. I read about quite a few in transition. Perhaps we must all feel lost at some point in this world.
I have felt lost for the past five years. Not to sure what to do about it. I am just living day to day. I have thought of your choices many times. Not to sure which one would work for me either.
ReplyDeleteOk, how about this as an option: You develop a friendship with a straight guy. You don't have to come out to him. You're just good buds who hang together to do guy stuff like running, hiking, do-it-yourself projects, etc. He fulfills some of your needs for male friendship, but because he's straight, the possibility of an inappropriate physical relationship is quite minimal.
ReplyDeleteNed--good option. It would help.
ReplyDeleteYou're not lost... you're just on the journey like the rest of us. You do know where you're going, just not sure how to get there...
ReplyDeleteHang in there.
I just found your blog and have been reading entries. Although I am not married, I know of several guys who are while being gay. With kids on top of that, I don't know if I could imagine dealing with such a thing. You will find friends here, though, and we are more than willing to talk and help you out when we can :)
ReplyDeleteMy heart continues to go out to you. I cannot imagine living in a relationship where my wife treated me like your's does you. I don't know if I would be strong enough to stay the course without her by my side. I hope her heart is softened to toward you. You have my prayers and respect.
ReplyDelete