She's leaving March 3rd. Now the "negotiation" begins about kids and "stuff." Woke up at 4 am and couldn't sleep anymore. They'll stay with me at least until the school year ends.
The thought of any empty house is kind of haunting. The last thing I want is to do something that hurts them, or their future. Depriving them of either of us isn't going to benefit anyone. But, one of us is going to be school year parent, and the other is going to be summer and the other will be the vacation parent. Living in different states will require that.
The last thing I want: legal battles. Too much experience in that arena with her ex. She feels the same way.
We both agreed the 17 year old will choose whatever they want. The younger pair will be the hard ones. My thinking is that frankly, I'm the better parent, and "here" is where I'll be and "here" is home, and has been. She has "left" before, and is doing it again. I haven't seen her being really parental in the last 3 years. Do I think she could? Yes, I've seen it before.
So I was talking with a friend at work, and he lived through this sort of situation. Mom was the base parent, Dad was vacation parent. He mentioned that he really felt like young kids need Mom more, and Older kids need Dad more. There was some sense in what he was saying, and I know my youngest prefers Mommy at this point.
I could have a lot of fun with them being vacation parent, but wow I feel like I'd be giving up so much of their lives. Other than a few hotel rooms for very short periods of time, I haven't lived alone ever. I went from home to college dorm with roommate, then mission, then back to college with roommates, then marriage. It would be a new experience.
Should I play the hard line? I'm not sure I have it in me. She's not crazy, psycho, and wouldn't neglect them, but I don't know if that means she should have them.
I really don't want them separated, though it doesn't matter so much with the 17 year old.
Give me input. I'm in listening mode.
Wow, that sounds really difficult! I don't have any experience in this area, so I don't have advice to give (other than my wife would say that you can't determine who the best parent is based on gender). Just wanted you to know my thoughts are with you.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine what you are going through. It's easy to dispense advice having never gone through something like this myself.
ReplyDeleteBut, I do feel that the primary consideration is to do what is best for the children. I also believe that the care the children are given during the school year will have the most lasting effect on them - frankly, IMOHO, the vacation parent has it easier than the school year parent. If living with you during the school year is what's best for the children then that's what you need to fight for.
I know you don't want a legal battle - I wouldn't either. But, your wants and needs are only secondary at this point. It sucks, but that's the hand life has dealt you.
I don't have any experience or first-hand knowledge to share with you, but I've spoken with several divorced fathers, so here's some aggregated advice...
ReplyDeleteI agree with Mr. (or Mrs.) Curie: gender doesn't make any difference when it comes to parenting, no matter the age of the child. If you believe you're the better parent, then you should be the primary parent.
One thing I've heard over and over again (not specific to kids, but in general): Don't be nice. One dad I knew signed some sort of (unofficial) agreement that he wouldn't ever have dates/boyfriends over in front of the kids, because he thought it was a minor concession that would soothe his wife's anger. Unofficial or not, the judge over their custody case chose to enforce the agreement at first, and he regretted ever having signed it in the first place. Don't agree to anything that you might regret.
Ideally this can be a friendly and amicable separation with mutual agreement and fair decisions all around. But things don't always work out the way we want them to. Be prepared to stick up for yourself and to be firm in expecting fairness.
Hope I haven't scared you too much... I'm part of a group of gay dads that meets twice a month--once in a "support group" type of situation and once in a more social setting. Nearly all of the members are divorced or going through divorces, and the "support" discussions often focus on divorce-related issues. You'd be welcome to join us if you're interested.
The web site isn't updated as often as it should be--it doesn't have the time and place of the next meeting (and I didn't go to the last one, so I don't know the details), but it will be updated eventually so keep an eye on it if you'd like to come.
Good luck!
being a child of divorce, i wish my parents had given it more thought than they did! in 1972, kids almost always went with the mom and my dad didn't realize he had an option (to keep us). do what you think is right and as Scott said, don't be nice! your kids will remember that you wanted them! my younger sister always felt that my dad gave her away. if you feel you're more stable and can provide the best home, fight as much as you feel comfortable (and then a bit more) doing. either way, your kids will be fine. it's really true that kids are resiliant and would rather see their parents apart and happy rather than together and miserable.
ReplyDeletemy best wishes to you during an impossibly difficult time. i hope it gets better quickly.
Hi Joe,
ReplyDeleteWe had that conversation. I was grueling and bad but we decided she was going to be the primary parent, but I told her I was not out of the picture by a long shot. I moved close to where they are, they come to my house before and after school and I see them as often as I can and anytime they want. It hasn't been without difficulties. One of the issues she presented to me as far as money was that she had the hardest time making ends meet on her own, regardless of the money I gave her and kept pressing. I showed her my budget and told her: "if you don't think you can make it, let me have the kids and you pay us child support, you have no idea the kinds of things I could do with the money I give you" and then she stopped her drama...
Don't give up on your kids, if you're the best parent, then fight for them and as the others have said, don't assume that just because she is the mom she is the only one who can manage.
hugs to you,pl
This is really your call, Joe!
ReplyDeleteWe don't know enough about your ex or your younger kids to make an educated decision.
Probably what would be best for the kids rather than what you want is the way to go.
Perhaps you can pray on it?
Good luck, mister!
-Dean