Gay date during LDS general conference

Ok--time for me to have some fun telling a story.

So yesterday I went up to Salt Lake, met a friend, then afterwards went on a date. It wasn't a first date, and it is someone I enjoy spending time with. He lives a few blocks from downtown Salt Lake in an apartment building with a great view. We met up at his place, and walked down to the new City Creek Shopping Mall/District downtown. Only a few blocks, but of course the walking path led right past the following:

• The LDS Conference Center




• Temple Square




• The Church Office Building




• The Church History Museum

And all of this happened on our way down there at about 5pm. Thousands of men in suits hanging around holding up their fingers asking for tickets to get into the Priesthood session. I hadn't thought much about it, and on the way down, I noticed how much people were staring at me and my date. White shirts everywhere, more blue suits and red ties than a politician could put to use. And here I am, walking down the sidewalk in a bright blue abercrombie t shirt, and white shorts. And of course, my date had t shirt and shorts on too. The eyes just turned--constantly. At first I wasn't exactly doing what you'd call Public displays of affection...it was hard enough just to turn off the old programming inside my head. But even that wears off.. ;)

Once down at City Creek, there were lots of people of all sorts, though plenty of the suits, ties and baggy dresses. City Creek is beautiful. Sullivanesque architecture, incredible fountains, and great stores. I loved it, and so did Taylor, my date. We shopped, and I actually found a pair of jeans that I'll probably only wear to gay friendly places (confession there, brethren) and then we went into the food court and got something to eat. I've never seen a food court with such great food choices, by the way.

After we ate, we resumed the shopping. There were lots of "family" members there. And no, I'm not referring to my brethren and sisters of the Church. They are all over the place down there. Selling clothes, selling shoes, and shopping. But something about me and Taylor must have really been notable, because the eyes never quit turning. I'm tall, he's shorter. I'm blonde, he's black haired, and I'm older than him. Who knows why--I'm guessing the combination of things. After wandering through Nordstroms, I decided to have some fun. So--I hugged him, I held his hand, and all that stuff. (though I didn't kiss him, at least not in public) Wow--those mormon eyes turned and whispered then.....

hehe..... I'd do it all again in a new york minute. Almost wish I would have sat there making out with him, and given them something to really whisper about.

So there you have it, my City Creek adventure, 2012.

Change of Course

I had planned to gently walk away from the church. Move away from Provo, to Salt Lake or elsewhere, sell my house, and say goodbye to a lot of friends here in a gentle way. Sort of a move to be free of the repressive beliefs of the LDS Church regarding the my Homosexuality. I didn't want to make a big scene, get excommunicated, etc. I figured if they ever called me in for a church disciplinary council I'd just send a letter asking for my name to be removed from the records of the church.

But I had to give that strategy serious reconsideration this weekend. I attended the "Circle your Wagons" conference in Salt Lake City, which was for those of us who are "gay" mormons (other descriptions included too). Spiritually "uplifting" and sort of redemptive too. To see all these other men and women who are your peers, who care as much as you do. Many of them there with boyfriends or other loved ones. We were blessed by listening to speakers like Lee Beckstead, Jimmy Creech, and Carol Lynn Pearson. Wonderful talks, which actually inspired me to not pull the silent exodus. Though I don't share all the beliefs of the LDS church anymore, there is still beauty there, and still people I care about, including those who are yet to come, meaning those that are going to have to walk the same journey as me.

I almost feel like I owe it to myself, and to them, to be the thorn in the side of the status quo. And that is something I am very skilled at. Trust me :)

Ever felt like this?

I have no identified myself clearly on this blog. Hi everyone--now you know my name, and what my family looks like (one step-daughter's boyfriend added in pic)

Waves of Hope followed by Crashing Surf

The title is intentional. It's this sentiment that I have been going through in the world of dating. In the past month, I've met two great guys online, via facebook or other, and begun a conversation. We get to know each other, enjoy it, and then it turns into phone calls, followed by meeting them, and going on an actual date. Each step in this is the "building" of the wave. You look at their picture after they contact you to see if there is any attraction, then you kind of go through the "checkpoints" of life in learning about them. Then you hear their voice, then you actually get to see their face and spend time with them. Both times, I kept feeling the wave building. You get excited, you love spending time texting them, you can't wait to hear from them. I should label this the danger zone. It literally consumes your life. In both cases, this went on.

Then, for some reason or other, the waves crash into the rocks. Hope is dashed, and something replaces it, whether that be longing, or anger, or temporary depression. When it isn't your choice, the ego is bruised. Sometimes, its harsh. Sometimes, its more gentle. You keep wondering what you did wrong and what was wrong with you. You may or may not ever get answers.

You want to be angry with them, but you just can't, because you know that in another chapter of the story, you did the same thing to someone else.

Then, after a few days of this (or more), hope springs up again, and the interest in finding someone starts again.

Could someone invent a no-pain version of this process?

Submit to infliction, or have some joy?

Latter Day Saints believe in a book with some semi-conflicting doctrines in it. The Book of Mormon talks about being willing to submit to all things that God wants to "inflict" upon us, yet also talks about the purpose of life being joy. Sometimes, I really wonder how these two can possibly work together in some cases.

I went to church--always good at getting the mind working, and was blessed with the privilege of listening to a newlywed couple give talks about humility and submitting..... The wife talked about how she has had a horrible outbreak of hives, and her husband giving her a blessing explaining that this was preparing her for something else. In other words, something worse. She felt completely comforted. She talks, and explained that Its all just black and white. I kind of laughed, or cringed inside.

The husband cited scripture about submitting, being willing to always follow, etc. He sounded like what he was, a 23 year old returned missionary byu engineering student who was recently married.

On the walk home, my mind thinks about these things--So--God just "inflicted" homosexuality upon me. He just inflicts all my troubles on me. Then as I walked in the door, I think about the stated purpose of life--that we might have joy, and my mind realizes the conflict. God made around 5% of us (maybe more) that evidently, according to doctrinal view, are supposed to be "inflicted up" and just roll over and play dead. The problem being that experiencing joy in this life has so much to do with the people around us, and our connection to them.

I don't want to live a life disconnected from others. I don't want to be intimacy free the rest of my life. I don't want to never have a special someone to share my life with again. Doctrinal view says thats just pride. But I know deep in my heart that its just that craving for joy, which to me, must involve connection to others.

Last night was fun. I was out with several friends. First at a monthly potluck party surrounded by others like me, then out dancing. One of my friends spoke about how connected he felt to others since coming out. Its true. I've never had so many close friends since my days in college. I can't completely reconclile the conflict, and probably never will. My eyes have been opened to more than ever before. I see life differently. I care just as much about other people as I ever did. I'm much less judgemental, and generally more comfortable with my self.

Perhaps the resolution lies in being willing to truly submit to homosexuality, and to embrace it. Enjoy all life is offering me and accept the joy that comes with it. I'm sure the views of others in this Moho blogging community will range a great deal on this from black and white to a life filled with color.

I know, "where have you been?"

I'm pretty negligent when it comes to writing lately. It seems I just don't have the "drive" to express myself on "blog" all that often. Well, I'm still alive, for those few of you who actually read this. Busy raising my two sons, enjoying them for the summer. I've been in Washington State, Alaska, New York, Wyoming, Nebraska, Iowa, Idaho and Utah of course during the past 6 weeks. Just too much traveling. I enjoyed most of it, but felt kind of overwhelmed with it.

Life has been stressful. I am reaping the rewards of having neglected my business for 3 years, meaning, of course not enough income. It frustrates me, and frankly, makes me feel guilty. The drive/desire to be the good provider runs deep within me, and I sure haven't felt that way lately.

I'm not really dating anyone, since I don't have time. Last night was the first time I'd been out to see my friends in a long time. It was good for me, frankly. I've had some interesting experiences this past month. Perhaps among them, the one I enjoyed the most from a spiritual perspective was going to a meeting in Provo sponsored by a group of people that consists of people who have gay children/relatives, or of those of us in the "family." It was really amazing to hear a now retired BYU professor speak about his experiences in dealing with his gay son, and with the university's built in aversion to all things homosexual. You see, the professor taught education classes on dealing with diversity---that was his job. But regularly, he'd get all sorts of anonymous complaints from True blue mormon students complaining that he dared to mention homosexuality in class. It was spiritual, heart felt and left me feeling better. Many of his conclusions are similar to my own.

He believes, as do I, that God reaches far beyond religion, and religion is just his tool. Our spirituality and the growth of who we are as people cannot be limited.

I hope all of you are doing well, and life is treating you well. Mine is good in most respects, and will get better in those that have "lacked."

Excluding yourself from Happiness

You might find my title strange, and perhaps you'll find the content even stranger. Throughout the years of my exposure and membership in the LDS Church, I've noticed this phenomenon. It is something that isn't unique perhaps to the Church, though.

It works like this; A 30 year old woman with 3 kids joins the church. Her husband doesn't. She attends church, learns, and hears a great deal about eternal marriage, and how if you want eternal marriage, then your husband needs to join the church, and you all can be sealed in the temple. Home teachers reinforce this, missionaries show up pushing for access to the husband. She gives up the occasional social drink, smoking, and her morning coffee, he doesn't. It frustrates her, and she doesn't know how to handle it. He prefers their "old" church, and feels like she's changing the game rules. It drives a wedge into their relationship. She can't handle it after awhile, and goes inactive. But the missionaries don't give up, and a persistent hometeacher keep at her, and a few years later, she gradually returns to the church. Her children become more "mormon-like" which bothers her husband. He can't understand the 3 hours of church, and all the meetings, and is resentful about her paying tithing. She tries harder, more faithful, goes to the temple, kids serve missions, then they get divorced.

You could tear apart the "why" for ages, but what I see in the process is a person who in their desires to "solve" the "being yoked unequally" pushed her husband away emotionally, and a husband who couldn't accept the satisfaction his wife's spirituality provided her to the point where he let it build a wedge.

Ever heard of compromise? Ever heard of trying to deal with the hand you were dealt, instead of endlessly longing for something you don't have. If a person, (your partner, or your spouse, or your boyfriend) brings you happiness, why push endlessly for them to change themselves to suit you.

The woman I'm writing about is my mother, who I love dearly. The marriage I'm describing is marriage number one. There was a marriage number two, to a guy who was a member of the church, etc, etc, and treated everyone in the family like crap. Marriage number three was different. She married a catholic, and chose not to worry. She even attended classes at his church so they could be married in his church. Every other week they went to his church, then her church. In other words, they let love lead the way for them. She cherished what he had, not what she might have wished for him to be.

We are good at excluding ourselves from happiness. Unflinching opinions that can't be "compromised." Mormons who are so uncomfortable with others when those others don't share their religious beliefs that they quickly start seeking to convert them. On, and on, it goes. From many angles, and many directions.

So here's my moral of the story--cherish the happiness you do have, and stop thinking people have to change to accommodate you or your particular views.

Surprise, Surprise

Yesterday was a gorgeous Friday in Spring. Warm temperatures, and sunny skies after a long cold winter. It must have brought out the best in people. Love was evidently in the air. For those who might not now, I live in one of the most conservative cities in America (though there are worse). I say city, but its more of an endless suburban metro area of 500,000 people that live in a big county south of Salt Lake City. Lots and lots of Mormons, who have a difficult time with gay relationships, gay marriage, etc.

Yesterday I was walking through the mall at about 1pm, wandering from the food court over to Banana Republic to see if I could find a shirt I liked. On my way, what do I see--but a couple of guys walking towards me holding hands. Very obviously a gay couple. They literally were giving off a vibe of "go to hell--I love this guy, and I'll do what I want." That was unique enough, but then after leaving the mall, I'm driving down the road, and what do I see but a couple of gals on the sidewalk holding hands.

Love in the air?