Campus days post mission

So I arrived in Provo, with old clothes, no money and ready to resume academic life. I got a job on campus that I really liked (not 4am cleaning) and classes started. BYU life was so different than my previous experience in college. The Singles Ward you are in determines all, or so I thought. They sort of swallow you. Ward prayers, FHE groups, Home teaching, Sunday meetings, you name it. I really loved it. The first date I went on was a girl in the ward. Smart, older, and I found myself scared to death. What on earth??? Kind of like I was scared to make a move, for fear of immediately being seen as "committed." Provo dating was a new game, and I wasn't very good at it.

A few days after arriving on campus, I ran into my old missionary comp--the one that I'll admit turned me on. He quickly became one of my few non-ward friends in Provo. We ate lunch a lot, ate supper together, and did things. He was a great friend. Kind of good for me. He came from money, and drove a BMW convertible. Very nice....

School went great, most things did. I lived off campus, and usually liked it. My first summer in town I spent time with a fellow in the ward who I now think was gay. He seemed to enjoy my company, and I never quite knew why. We played golf, hung out. He had eyes that kind of pierced your soul. He really just was not the typical guy in the ward. Lived in a dive apartment alone, hadn't gone on a mission. I never really knew the whole story.

In year two, I was pretty focused on applications, tests, etc for Graduate school. I did well and had some good options. Sort of got dumped by a girl in law school, didn't matter much to me. I dated a good looking girl that my mother and sister couldn't stand (and told me so). Again--no guts to even kiss the girl, though the signals were there. My sister was dating a guy that really bothered me. Meaning, he turned me on. He was so good looking. Had the hair, body, and tan, and a really confident personality. I wanted "them" to succeed so I could see more of him. I kind of ignored what that meant.

I decided to stay in Provo for graduate school. I didn't think I could leave since I wasn't married. The program began, and social life ended. Good grief. No time for life. 2 years of stress. It had an effect on me, unfortunately. I hardly ever dated, and church activities were sort of my only activities, other than going home on various holidays. The program was good, but I knew at the end I was finished with the world of higher academics.

During that period of time I had a calling as a ward clerk. One day my bishop, a fellow I respect and admire, told me I needed to come to his office on campus for a church disciplinary council to take notes for a written report. I had never been to something like this before, and it was a new thing. Spiritual in a strange sense. It was the first of several.

The second one was regarding a young man who was gay. He sort of got caught publicly doing something on campus that he shouldn't have been. That council, despite the kindness of the bishop and counselors, was like forcing him to drink liquid shame. Having anyone know that he was gay was so awful to him. It was hard for me to sit there, knowing I had some of those attractions too. The only difference between him and me was him taking action on them.

There were two other council's for young men in this situation. One involved drugs, and desperation. One involved a young man caught in a mess. I never felt the actions taken by the councils were in anyway inappropriate. At this point I never even questioned whether the church's view of homosexuality was wrong.

Shortly after finishing that graduate program, I met the woman who became my wife. More on that next time.