On we go. Life has been rough in many ways for the last 7 months. I've spent agonizing (for me and my wife) moments in a marriage counselors office admitting the depths of my "sinful desires" and my degree of homosexuality to my wife. I had to admit having oral sex with other young men pre-baptism. My wife handled all this horribly. She literally ran out of the room and threw up. But she wanted to know it all. I had to print out and give her a very lengthy email conversation I had with another gay married mormon.
I learned, through all of this, that women handle many things differently than men. Men want things fixed, want solutions. I've done my best to make some changes. I've gone to a pornography addiction recovery group, which has been very helpful, but I realize I'm not really addicted to porn. I'm just gay. I'm not perfect, and I sure can't eliminate my thoughts, or my attractions to men. In order to stop them, I'd have to live in an all female world (except me). Trust hasn't returned, and my frustration and impatience grows. I have been 100% honest with my wife in telling her that I can be faithful to her if she can just provide love, affection and intimacy. So far, that hasn't convinced her to do anything. My friends keep wondering what I'm waiting for. Frankly, giving up seems no easier than sticking it out .
I think the counselor is troubled by our situation. When she first met with us, she was pretty sure we were headed for divorce. A few of you out there have asked me where I'm at in terms of the church. The church is mostly uncomfortable. I don't enjoy going, and haven't gone to Sunday School and Priesthood lately. Though money is scarce, I've given fast offerings, but paying tithing seems like betraying myself, if the church is going to use the money for fighting against civil rights for homosexuals. I don't know what to do or say to my children about religion, and I'm grateful to have no significant calling or responsibilities, because I'd be a hypocrite. In the words of someone else's bog, I had a bucket of cold water labeled homosexuality thrown onto my flames of testimony. I can't yet see through it.
I know God exists, and I believe he loves me. I believe he loves all men and women. I believe he is the creator. What I am not sure I accept is the church's relatively old testament view of God as a destroyer of his own children whenever it suits his purposes. I also am troubled by the concept of being homosexual still in the next life. According to the B of M, we take the same spirit with us into the next life, and I asked my bishop if that meant this attraction. He said yes. Great, just great. So God gives me a permanent "disability" when it comes to his plan of salvation. Wow, that just hurts.
My work and my kids keep me going. I spend time on community service, and enjoy it a lot. I find a lot more satisfaction doing that than I ever would in church callings. I exercise a lot, and keep myself in good shape. Onward we go.
I am not sure I agree with your bishop. I am still working through this. Reading "Clean Hands, Pure Heart" has helped me with my feelings about "church's relatively old testament view of God as a destroyer of his own children whenever it suits his purposes." I don't feel that way anymore.
ReplyDeleteI have some of the same struggles with church that you do, and am slowly working through them. One difference between our situations, is that my wife seems to be handling things much better....thankfully. I am so blessed.
Joe: e-mail me privately, would you? I've been through a rocky marriage too and would enjoy talking with you directly.
ReplyDelete"So God gives me a permanent "disability" when it comes to his plan of salvation. Wow, that just hurts"
ReplyDeleteJoe, I've thought about your comment too, some things just don't make sense no matter how I try to spin it. With the exeption of a few things, I could have written the same blog postings as you and I'm glad to at least share experiences with those who understand completely. I don't have any advise to give you, as I'm weathering my own storm at the moment, but I'm here for you in any possible way that I can.
Hugs, PL
Your bishop hasn't been reading the latest church statements on homosexuality. They now claim that no one will be gay in the next life, because none of us were gay before this mortal existence. But you've got it quite right, the church line is that you (and I) are defective and thus need to sit down and shut up. (Oh, sorry, did I say that out loud?)
ReplyDeleteYou and your wife are going through a very difficult process, but it can be worked out whichever way you choose to go. My marriage stayed intact, but it took time for my wife to get over the shock of hearing what I did outside the marriage. That is a traumatic thing for a spouse, and needs to be handled with care and love. (contact me through my blog if you want to hear more about that)
Stay focused on your faith and God, and don't mind the church too much. The church is just a structure for us to use as we develop our faith in the atonement.