Marriage Comes

So, time to talk about Marriage, and how it happened. If you’ve read all this, you know it took me quite awhile (in the Mormon world) to meet the woman I would marry. It was not Love at first site. I wasn’t even sure it was going to be friendship. She was quiet, and not the easiest person to get to know. But, there was something about her that struck my interest. She was bright, cute, and had these beautiful eyes that said hi, even if her mouth didn’t. Over the next few weeks we started talking, etc. Then we started dating. I’m not going to share a lot of details about her, or her life. Let me just say that she had been through some rough times before we met. She had a relationship from the abyss, and it had an effect on her.
For me, it was sort of a joy just to have a friend like her. Someone to spend time with and talk to. No more boring weekend nights. By the time we had been dating 4 months, it was getting serious. She got to meet my family, which was kind of odd. She had a hard time with new people. Active listener, just not a talker or quick to get to know others. My family wasn’t all that excited, as you can imagine, but they could see she made me happy. A couple months later we got engaged in typical Mormon fashion.
Our marriage was several months later, and I don’t think I spent much time with anyone else but her outside of work. We spent hours a day making out and being “close” to each other. Fun times. The wedding was in the temple. I can’t remember a word of what the sealer said now. I remember friends that were there, and some time she and I spent alone together in the temple beforehand. Really beautiful moments.
That afternoon (pre-reception) I lost my virginity. Frankly, as a male, that was the exciting moment of the day. We both wanted each other. Frankly, it was a miracle that I hadn’t lost it at some point along the course of my life before that. We had a traditional honeymoon and a lot of fun on it. She had some real quiet moments during that, which kind of surprised me.
The next couple years weren’t easy. We were going through all the struggles with school etc that young couples go through. We were connected though, and all three legs of the marital stool were in place. At some point, I realized though, that my old attraction for men hadn’t gone away. In control, yes, but there. When we’d go out to eat, I’d catch myself staring at hot guys. I don’t think she noticed.
Children arrived, which changed our lives a lot. Women redirect their focus (rightfully so) and men have to adjust. Sometimes we do it well, sometimes not. It was at this point in life when an old companion (porn) briefly reappeared in my life. It didn’t last too long, and I could tell my interests weren’t in women. Maybe it was because I had a women, I loved her, and knew what an intimate relationship with a woman was like. Regardless, it was brief, like a couple weeks.
I had noticed something about my wife by this point. I was pretty much always the one who had to initiate sex. My wife just didn’t seem to ever do that.
The years went by, the careers consumed time, and what they didn’t consume, the kids, or church consumed. We bought a house, we spent our money on it, or on furniture or cars. After our youngest was born, my wife announced that was the last child. She hated pregnancy. I couldn’t say I blamed her a bit. I wasn’t one to argue about that. I never wanted 12 kids, or to be an enormous Mormon family. It just wasn’t me. When you don’t grow up in a situation like that, you don’t really want it. A couple years later, I knew something was wrong with our marriage. My wife was perpetually unhappy with her career. She wanted to go back and get a Masters degree. There aren’t a lot of programs in her field, and they are really selective. I was growing frustrated with one of the legs of our marital stool—intimacy. She had things I’m sure she wasn’t too happy with me about, but it had become very, very apparent that she had issues that weren’t resolved. One night, the pot boiled over, and I was a mean prick. I said things I shouldn’t have. From that day on, she hasn’t been the same. I became (in bed) the big jerk that that former relationship had been. Bad omen…
About a year later she was accepted to the program she wanted. The problem was—it wasn’t in Provo. It wasn’t in Utah. It meant she had to leave for a year. I was so torn about this. I was worn out with the unhappiness, grumpiness and thought that maybe this would change things. I was also worried that I was going to go over the edge in terms of my attraction for guys. I just knew it was going to be a problem. I had reached the point where I liked to see guys. I would sit on specific sides of a table in a restaurant just to see the crowd. I would check them out when getting exercise. Mentally drifting, shall we say. This was just part of the package, and I knew what being Mr. Mom would be like, and that it wouldn’t be easy. But my worries didn’t stop it from coming.