I went to church today with the kids and my mother, who was in town. Topic in Sacrament was the priesthood, with the bishop wrapping things up with a 10 minute dissertation on the Oath and Covenant of it. Sunday School was all about tithing and offerings, being a sign of dedication and honoring your covenant to "give it all to God." Priesthood meeting, for which I've been assigned to the high priests quorum, was awful. All about living a "provident life" meaning debt free, everything financially perfect, free of all greed, nice things, and all temporal enjoyments in life. So hideously Republican and end of the world it made me want to argue.
The whole thing was emotionally painful. Its painful to sit in church, enjoying very little of it, seeing everyone aspiring to this personally painful way of living in self-denial, all power to the "kingdom of God" and nothing ever being Good enough. Are we not all mortal? Sunday School of course included slams on donating to charities with administrative costs instead of the church with they all marvelously (and falsely) believe doesn't have any. I wanted to throw it in their faces, but you just don't do that.
Going to church is just painful these days. I have no desire to teach my children the gospel, or share with them the "joseph smith story." My youngest son called going to church "all that Jesus stuff," which I thought was pretty cute. I don't feel worthy in any way, or shape of the word to teach this mormon life to them. I'm not even sure its right. All day I've been thinking about this thing. I took a drive up the canyon with my Mom and one of the kids. So beautiful, people fishing, boating, hiking, riding bikes. But of course, all this is "contrary to the will of God." My mind feels locked in this battle of church precepts vs wanting to enjoy life. I just feel like I've lost my ability to enjoy this "church centered" life. I didn't sit there trying to rip everything apart. But these things that bother me just kept coming at me, along with some common sense wisdom, like not going into debt, living beyond your means, etc. And of course, I kept staring at this guy in the back row of Sunday School who looked like GQ in the flesh. Nice pin striped navy blue suit, perfect tie, Allen Edmonds shoes and cuff links, along with the face/hair of a model.
My wife's gone at a convention. Day 4, I don't even know exactly when she is coming back. Her focus is so off of me and the kids. We are really ranking low on her lists right now.
Sorry for sharing the depression. I just don't know how to cope with it all sometimes. I just feel like walking away from this mormon life and never looking back because I'll never live up to it.
I have felt the way you are feeling now. Some of the time I still feel that way. I have a hard time teaching church history this year. I have a harder time going to priesthood meeting. What holds me to the church is that preparing the lessons, attending my meetings, and taking the sacrament are ways that help me to keep the GOSPEL in the forefront of my mind. Attempting to live the teachings helps me to stay closer to my Heavenly Father.
ReplyDeleteWhen I get feeling frustrated, I refocus my attention on the simple truths of the gospel, and let the rest blow by.
Oh, dear. Two trite phrases that have helped me through negative phases when I hate everything and want to walk away from it all: This too shall pass. I can do hard things.
ReplyDeleteHey, I said they were trite.
Sometimes we just hold on. We just survive.
Sometimes that's all we can do. You don't HAVE to be good at anything or happy with anything right now. You just need to keep a glimmer of hope in there.
Okay, I'm going to shut up because I don't think there's really anything I can say. But my heart wept for you when I read this and I just wanted you to know that. It's amazing how much strangers can care.
Funny thing: Our ward had the same focus. My husband gave a talk in sacrament and taught the lesson in priesthood.
Natasha
http://www.becomingsomething.com
I let my kids go to Lagoon today. They are all teenagers and could have made the choice themselves. But my wife told them that if they had any other Dad they would not be going to Lagoon because it is Sunday. Hmmmmm does this make me a good or bad Dad? Also, I feel the same on teaching my kids about the gospel. The last while it has also been hard for me to do. Can I tell you a reason why? No, I am not so sure why myself. I guess I am saying I find comfort in that someone else feels the same as me.
ReplyDeleteI stopped worrying about a "church-centered" life and how to fit in to the perfect family world of church a few years ago when I came out to myself.
ReplyDeleteWhat I try to concentrate on is a "gospel-centered" life, and that includes very mortal, imperfect people like me who are trying to do the best they can and let that be good enough and stop worrying myself for not being the perfect example, and, oh yeah... having fun along the way.
Don't give up hope. I like what Bravone said - let most of the stuff blow by!
I feel for you. I have no real advice to give you but know that you have lots of people thinking of you and your struggles.
ReplyDeleteHugs,PL
To each of you: thank you for your expressions of love and concern. It means something to me. It was a long, hard weekend. Not much of a holiday. Ended it taking my son to the ER. That perhaps was a real lesson. My love for my kids is permanent, and will keep me headed forward. I may never be the greatest of mormon men, but I'm much happier being a great Dad.
ReplyDeleteIts hard to remember that the chruch is for the imperfect people. It seems (especially on the wasatch front) sometiems that only the perfect ones have a place in it. This is far from the truth, the perfect people are the ones who don't need Sunday Chruch. Its the rest of us who do. My Dad would say that the last few rows of the chapel (especally the ones in the overflow) are the ones witht he most important people. ---meaning its the pepole who have the hardest time attending, or wanting to go, that need it the most.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry that you are having a bumpy time. I wish I could help, if I can let me know.
Keep on doing what you are sometimes it just takes a while for things to fall into place.
You took the words right out of my head.
ReplyDelete