I met with my Marriage counselor yesterday. I really felt better after I left, seriously sort of relieved. Sometimes you just need to talk. I gave her an update, she asked questions, and I asked her what I should be doing.
She was really surprised to learn that my wife never asked me anything about how I was doing in terms of controlling, managing SSA or pornography. She told me my wife should be asking me about that all the time.
So why isn't she--well, we both came to the conclusion that she has checked out of our marriage emotionally. No surprise to me.
Other ah ha moment: The counselor told me that I should bring that topic up, and a whole lot more, in essence pushing the conversation towards finding out where she wants to go.
I admitted to the counselor I can't live in an affection/intimacy free marriage. No surprise to her. Sooner or later I'll fail miserably at attempting to be faithful. How is a person faithful to something which is gone...
We talked about the "love" word. I seriously haven't heard it from my wife's lips in 3 years or more. She didn't even write it on the anniversary card she gave me. The counselor's response was "why not?"
She advised me to ask my wife if she wants me (ie desire's me). After saying that, she looked up some details from the info my wife filled out when we started the process, and told me that my wife had no desire for me. That was pretty rough to hear.
She and I wondered if my wife is depressed. She checked her materials again, and told me my wife reported no symptoms of depression. Not sure that is really accurate, given that my son keeps asking me why Mom is always so "sad."
So friends, the responsibility to solve/end this falls on me. I really have to resolve things heading one way or another. No progress is not an acceptable status.
Any of you ever experienced counselor moments like this?
"the responsibility to solve/end this falls on me. I really have to resolve things heading one way or another. No progress is not an acceptable status"
ReplyDeleteI hate coming to realizations like this, I'm sure most people do, after all it is always easier to put blame on something or someone else, but I've had a few 'aha' moments at the counselor--not all pleasant on how I could have handled things differently and how I've had to pay the price for making certain choices. One of those times was when I was whining to the counselor about how my wife is having such a hard time with all of this and she told me that I must have let go of the marriage years ago physically, emotionally while she is still fresh at having to deal with it and I needed to give her a break with her struggles....big oops on my side!
Hang in there brother!
hugs, pl
PL, I've made plenty of those mistakes. I sure wish I could take back my error in not telling my wife the truth when we were dating. Thanks for the support. At least I made it through yet another one of her absences without getting really mean and upset.
ReplyDeleteWow.... That's rough what you have to deal with. I'm sorry.
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